i am not made of plastic

First off, let me just say, that this is not what I had planned to write about today.  Life has been wonderFULL...very very full of good good things.  I really wanted to write about those things.

But...seeing as God is God...He does what He pleases (which is a good thing, in case you didn't know).

He brought me to Psalm 51:16-17 today.

It says,

For You will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it; You will not be pleased with a burnt offering. 

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.

The Message translates it like this,

Going through the motions doesn't please You, a flawless performance is nothing to You.

I learned God-worship when my pride was shattered.  Heart-shattered lives ready for love don't for a moment escape God's notice.

As God would have it, this aligns perfectly with my life these recent days.  You all know I'm going on internship.  With that, there is a lot in my life that is "up in the air".  I have been doing my best to have a proper attitude.  Most of my initial reactions (not responses, by the way, but reactions), have been discouragement, unhappiness, discontentment, fear, and the like.

I enjoy comfort.  I enjoy routine.  There is immeasurable comfort in my routine!  But that is not what pleases God.  He loves a heart in turmoil!  Why do I say that?  Because when I am broken, confused, sad, weak and wavering...I recognize my deep deep need for God.  I have no choice but for my imperfect and finite body/mind to fall into His arms.  And He sees that (I'm thankful that He sees me and cares!), wants that, and desperately wants to be my "One and Only"!

He is so gently, graciously, and lovingly showing me that He does not find pleasure in my flawless "performances".  He values honesty and transparency, with myself and Him.  He values that fact that we mess it all up and then turn to Him for the solution (sometimes that solution can be a long-time coming)! True God-worship is when you recognize He is GOD and recognize your need for Him alone (He loves that!  He soaks that up!  A broken life turned to Him is a sweet smelling savor!).  When my heart is shattered, it is primed and ready to accept His love and will.

He could care (more or)less about my "sacrifices" of church-going, congregation-serving, bible-reading, prayers-never-ceasing, verse-remembering, teeth-smiling, NEPA-knowing, feeling-oh-so-happy-life.

What He DOES care about is my sensitivity towards His voice, my desire to know His word, my love for His people, my broken and depressed-spirit seeking His face each moment, learning (learning is a PROCESS!) to find contentment in a less-than-adequate situation, recognizing His hand of blessing, and the never-ending struggle with my sin.  Basically, He delights in my messy, tear-stained, and up-side-down life being laid, willingly, at His feet with no other hope or option but HIM!

God never confuses my transparency with complaining!  NEVER!

I am not plastic.

I am a real mess.  And that is what pleases Him.

Today...

...is March 1st.

I'm writing this to you from our computer room (apropos...don't you think? and using that fancy new word I just learned...you like?).  The door is currently shut.  This is so my children don't hear me breathing or the sound of the light taps of my finger-tips on this-here keyboard.  They were born with stealth-spy ears.  (Not sure who they inherited that from...)  They hear anything that resembles a human (specifically, their Mommy) and instantly scream for rescuing from their crib cages.

This is the 3rd day of Annaleigh's potty training. I had it all planned out perfectly.  Then my daughter messed it up.  Because, for some reason, a 2YO can't understand the adult plans of her Mommy (which would have had her trained yesterday).  So....I've had to modify the plan.  And I'm happy to say it's more toddler friendly (specifically, Annaleigh friendly...which means MnMs have to be included in the equation on a regular basis...). She's doing much better today.  So there is hope.  Hope for Mommy to not go insane.  Which creates a win/win for all involved.

This is also they day of our March SWF monthly meeting.  I get to go hear Joanna Arp speak on how to be my husband's cheerleader.  The title says it all, "Get Behind Him!  Cheer Him On!!!"...Joanna is so cute.  So animated.  So lively.  So passionate about the things of God.  It's hard not to have it rub off on you.  I really enjoy these meetings.  A chance to get out.  Without my beloved babies.  Eat dessert.  Drink soda.  Spend time catching up with friends.  But most importantly, have my heart gripped by God.  A.maz.ing.  Doesn't it make you want to be a seminary wife?

Today, I also started the herb supplement called Fenugreek.  For all your nursing mamas (past and present)...you just may be familiar with such a concept.  Let's just say JD is always hungry and this little mama of his is having trouble keeping up...we'll leave it at that.

March 1st is also the first day of Ann Vonskamp's March Joy Dare list.  (So apropos that it begins on the 1st...hmmm?  Man, I just LOVE that word, don't you?  I even got to use it TWICE in one post.)  It goes along with her book (and philosophy) One Thousand Gifts.  I read the book in 3 days.  It has literally changed my entire. life.  And so now I can't help but participate in it.  Today's gifts?  3 gifts at 3PM:  a 2YO happily sitting on a potty, a baby boy's smile, the start of some alone time.

And today was the day I realized that it's not selfish of me to crave, desire, and yearn for relationships with others.  It says in Genesis 1:27, "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created him; male and female he created them."  That not only means the obvious...but it means that because God is a triune figure...they experience relational intimacy with each other.  So if I am created in that image, I would have a God-given desire to want relationships.  To want to be loved.  And accepted.  And gushed all over with affection.  Maybe that's a reason I blog.  Because I crave the friendships I have out here in the blogosphere.  I love my readers.  Some of you I know personally.  Others, only through thoughts which have become realized.  Either way...the yearning is there.  I'm really glad you stopped by to see me.  Thanks for reading.

Today's weather:  38°.  Rainy.  Cloudy.  (surprise, surprise...welcome to NEPA)

don't rob me of my blessing!

Romans 1:12...that is, that we may be mutually encouraged by each other's faith, both yours and mine.

With groceries pile high, full to the brim of all things good, she stared me straight in the eye, with finger pointing as she reprimanded, "Don't rob me of my blessing."

For me, that was the beginning of a long lesson that I continue to learn and refine, to this very day.

This soccer mom's high school daughter was on my husband's team.  And after hearing us pour out our hearts in celebration over the blessing the Lord had just given us concerning a large amount of grocery store gift certificates being mailed to our house, she felt compelled of God to pay for all the items in our grocery cart.

As difficult as it was for this "self-sufficient" girl to accept, I released control and allowed myself to receive.

Some of us believe that it's godly to give, but we balk at asking.  It feels uncomfortable being on the receiving end...[but] we have to understand how to give and take [as] a part of growing spiritually.  We actually give others joy and strengthen their faith when we ask for and then gratefully accept their help.  -Joan C. Webb

It's humbling, no doubt, to accept help.  Yet it's one of God's methods of sanctification.  It's His way of reminding us that He's in control and how He desperately wants to take care of us....if we let Him.  ..."How often would I have gathered your children together as a hen gathers her brood under her wings, and you were not willing!"  {Matthew 23:37b}

God has fashioned the body of believers to help each other.  Because, contrary to popular belief, sometimes he does give us more than we can handle.  If He didn't, then what's the purpose of Galatians 6:2 - "Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ"?  Isn't it safe to assume that sometimes life becomes so consuming and overwhelming and "too much" to take, that dependency upon another's faith is actually needed?

And once you relent; once you accept, there is a duplicity of encouragement.  Faith is grown.  And God is glorified.

Joan C. Webb suggests to make it personal:  What family, work or personal concern are you facing this week?  Ask at least one caring friend to support you in prayer for
this specific issue.

I'm linked up here:

Jesus doesn't kick you when you're down

...a bruised reed He will not break...  Isaiah 42:3

 God doesn't mistreat His children.  He cares.  He sent His Son to prove just how much.  

Lord, how comforting to know that You won't crush me when I'm weak and needy.

where is the place of understanding?

I read Job 28:20, 23, 28.

I realized that sometimes life can get confusing.  Deciding which "paths" in life to take.  What is God doing?  Why? Which way is even up, at times??  But when we are in the "dark", frantically searching for wisdom can most of the time be futile.  All that is really required is to WAIT.  "All insight originates with God"  -Joan C. Webb.  It's probably more productive to just step back, relax, calmly ask for wisdom and then wait until God sheds His light on your life.   After that?  Move forward with joy-filled confidence.

It's so liberating to not have to "know" because God already does.  Trust in His perfect sovereignty.  And maybe that's what wisdom truly is....simply to TRUST in God.

Christmas peace? is it even possible?

Today I read 

John 16:33:  I have said these things to you, that in Me you may have peace.  In the world you will have tribulation.  But take heart; I have overcome the world.

Having "peace" doesn't mean the world around me is under control.  {Especially during the holidays.}  

This is a foreign concept to me.  

But the Lord is graciously showing me that IN HIM is where I find my peace despite my hectic circumstances.  Peace IS attainable!  Praise the Lord!  But how?

All I have to do is recognize that the LORD is the one in control.  He reminds me in this verse that, He is so much in control, He has even "overcome the world."  The entire WORLD!! {past, present and future}!  My victory, my hope, my {Christmas} peace is in CHRIST.  I pray He helps me to surrender to that truth today.

Psalm 145:5-10

 

On the glorious splendor of Thy majesty, and on Thy wonderful works, I will meditate.  And men shall speak of the power of Thine awesome acts; and I will tell of Thy greatness. They shall eagerly utter the memory of Thine abundant goodness, and shall shout joyfully of Thy righteousness.  The LORD is gracious and merciful; slow to anger and great in loving-kindness.  The LORD is good to all, and His mercies are all over His works.  All Thy works shall give thanks to Thee, O LORD, and Thy godly ones shall bless Thee.

just stay calm

Ecclesiastes 10:4

If the anger of the ruler rises against you, do not leave your place, for calmness will lay great offenses to rest.

Another translation:  Calmness can lay great errors (against you personally from an authority-figure) to rest.

“Sometimes I panic and first resort to belittling myself (or others) when I’m faced with a problem or crisis.”  - Joan C. Webb

I recently had a difficult time when an individual accused me of being a “lesser Christian” because of a certain choice I had made.  Did this make me a bad person?  Do I not appear Christ-like?  I thought my choices were innocent – however, this person was highly offended.  Initially, I was not sure how to respond.  But I knew that “blasting” that person was not the answer (no matter how good that would have felt).

Processing the proper response tore me apart.  Anger. Tears. Shame.

Was it OK? – Was it sin? – when one doesn’t want to initially respond in the correct manner?  Even though you knew you should respond right and you were doing your best to “get” there?  Even Jesus was tempted to sin.  He suffered as a result of that temptation.  He understands that feeling of weakness. But because he didn’t choose to succumb to that temptation, it was not sin.  

For because he himself has suffered when tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted.  Hebrews 2:18

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin.  Hebrews 4:15 

Processing the correct response isn’t sin.  It’s when you follow through with the incorrect one, is when it becomes sin.

Another question I had:  do all the “good” things I’ve done become instantly erased by one, seemingly innocent, choice?  Was that choice even really considered “bad”?  Verse 10:1 says {paraphrased} that one bad apple spoils the whole bunch:

Dead flies make the perfumer's ointment give off a stench; so a little folly outweighs wisdom and honor.

I was reminded that I am a sinner.  A part of the fallen creation.  Therefore, I cannot make a proper evaluation as to what is "good" or "bad".  God is the author of morality.  His wisdom on these matters spans much farther than mine.  Meaning that the choices I make {despite my opinion} may not be good.  Because, who am I compared to an all-knowing God?

I concluded the correct way to respond was to simply apologize to that person and leave it at that.

I gave no added explanation for the reasons behind my choice.

I offered no defense.

No arguments.

No attempts to force them to understand my side.

          --In spite of my {strong!} urge to “lay into” that person.--
Short and simple.
Calm as a summer breeze.

::

I am grateful for God's love.  

I am grateful for Christ's redemption through the cross.  

I am grateful for the the Holy Spirit and His constant work in my heart in order to help me to discern between right and wrong.  

::

my Christian life is hanging in the balance

I feel as if I need to set the record straight.

Not that I've gotten angry people writing mean things to me explaining their deep protest against the things I've said, but I feel as if {quite possibly} the silence of my readers is worse...

Balance.

A word I do not have enough of in my life.

My "religious" background is one of LEGALISM.  

Work.  Do.  Drive.  Go.  Get Better.  
Take On More.  Be Responsible.  Don't Drop The Ball.  

Or Else The Lord Will NOT Be Pleased With Your Service.

So the things I've been writing about Scripture lately have been FILLED TO THE BRIM with the idea of REST, RELIEF, RENEWAL, FREEDOM, IMPERFECTIONISM, BREATHING ROOM, ENJOYING LIFE, CONTENTMENT, ESCAPE, learning to say NO, and GOD'S GRACE.

This is not to say we are to never Work-Do-Drive-Go-Get Better.  We are!  I feel as if what I'm saying will be misinterpreted as sitting back and doing nothing.  Never going to church.  Never reading your Bible, Never praying.  Never helping others.  Etc... Because I'm not saying that at all! God's Word flourishes with commands on being the best Christian you could ever possibly be.  Our goal {behind glorifying God} is to become like Christ.  And He was PERFECT!  So do me a favor, and get out there and do the work of the Lord!  Do it heartily!  Do it with all your might!  Fight the good fight!!!!

Yet, at the same time, the Bible speaks about our inability to actually become like Christ!  Ironic?  Contradictory?  I think not.  Why?  Because we are fallen creatures due to our sin.  This makes it impossible to EVER TRULY be like Christ.  Meaning?  We are are NOT perfect.  It's our nature!  {shocking?  I know.  Breath.  It was hard for me to admit, at first, too...} 

This means, I'm starting to realize that the Bible is filled with just as much inaction as pro-action.  And since I've practiced an abundance of pro-action throughout my life {which has lead to multiple burn-outs/melt-downs/tantrums}, I've decided it's good to become aware of all the "inactions" God has commanded us to do {...errrr...not do?}.

God knows we can't ever really be like Christ.  {But praise the Lord, He never stops trying in spite of that knowledge!  Amen!}  And so, He fills His Word with those "inactions" to protect us {from things like burn-outs, melt-downs, and tantrums}.  That deserves another "praise the Lord"!

So...

please, pLeAsE, PLEASE(!), do not take my posts about God's Word the wrong way.

Balance.

It's the word of your day.

In fact, it should be the word of your entire life.

It will be a struggle.

Trust me.  I'm a recovering perfectionist.  I should know.

Funny quote I recently said to my husband about this topic:

"I know I'm not perfect at it yet, but someday I'll learn to be imperfect..."

Like I said...I'm recovering...

I'm linked up again with Courtney! 

Come join us!

the load bearer

Galatians 6:2-5

Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.  For if anyone thinks he is something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself.  But let each one test his own work, and then his reason to boast will be in himself alone and not in his neighbor.  For each will have to bear his own load.

We are commanded to help others in the passage. When people have “excessive difficulty,” it’s our job to assist in any way we can.

This passage also is saying we are not to take responsibility for other people’s “day to day” issues.  It’s not our job to “fix” those things for them.  We are to be concerned with our own burdens so as not to neglect ourselves.  We can’t even compare our burdens to that of another {whether better or worse}.  The Lord is teaching us all different lessons = the burdens are specific to each lesson and if we are constantly involving ourselves with every one else's burdens, we stop/hinder them {and ourselves} from learning the God-given lesson.

This is not to say we should never help anyone.  We should!  We are commanded, remember??  It's just to help you realize that God doesn't expect you to be everyone's hero and act like a know-it-all {that's what the verse is saying here, folks}.  Because sometimes, it's OK to take care of {and focus} on your own self...and that, my friends, is something God does expect.

fresh from the Word

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

Philippians 4:8

Sometimes, we women believe, that in order to appear a loving Christian we should "be pleasant" and "agreeable."  That we should ignore the painful matters in our lives.

Isn't that what this verse is saying?

Actually, no.

The Greek meaning of truth is "the reality lying clearly before your eyes."

So, yes, you are allowed to acknowledge unpleasant things in your life.  You are allowed to think about those things - how else can they be worked out and "fixed" in order for them to ultimately be handled properly with a right response?

"...there is virtue in honestly growing through the pain to dwell on the true, just, pure, and lovely things..."

-Joan C. Webb

Linked up, today, with Darlene over at:

fresh from the Word

Galatians 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is not law.

Galatians 5:16 But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desire of the flesh.

Definition of "gentle":  kindly; moderate; a mild breeze, usually one with the velocity of no more than 12 miles/hour.

Joan C. Webb, author of It's a Wonderful (Imperfect) Life, states "I'd like to be less obsessive, less intense...going through each day at a moderate pace" rather than "running through life like a high-velocity wind..."

When I came upon such a concept, it hit me.  Like a ton of bricks.  I'm not really all that gentle.  Not in my ideas.  Not in my speech.  Not even in the way I live my life.  In fact, I see myself more as a merciless bulldozer.  My personality can most definitely be defined as a "high-velocity wind," at times, leaving destruction in my wake!  So how do I obtain this gentle quality?

Gentleness is suppose to be a natural by-product of living in the Spirit.  But does that mean those qualities do not require practice or continued development?  By living in the Spirit, do I automatically show the perfect amount of gentleness to everyone and everything that crosses my path?  

I'm not entirely sure, but I have a sense the answer is both "yes" and "no".  I think it comes "naturally" because Christ dwells in those of us who claim Him as our Savior, therefore, we have a supernatural connection to a source of power from which we may obtain the freedom to develop, express and live out such a quality.  However, I also believe, those qualities are not all a part of everybody's individual personality.  Therefore, God must aid you in developing them.  {Please correct me if I am wrong...}

Stop.  And imagine with me for a moment:  you are standing outside and along comes a cool, gentle breeze that lightly sweeps across your face...

I would love to have that effect on people whenever I touch their lives.  Wouldn't you?  To be a refreshing gentle breeze.  And to have those people walk away feeling enlivened, invigorated and feel as if new life has just been breathed into their lungs...

I believe that can only be accomplished by forcing yourself to slow down.  Take life in, rather than striving so hard to pump life out.  By carving out a specific time in your day that you can spend with God...alone.  Learning about and from Him.  And talking with God about your desire for gentleness, through prayer.

"Walk in the Spirit" and you will be "...gentle..."
or said another way
Learning and practicing produces your spiritual muscle memory.

*** ***

Maybe gentleness is already a part of your personality package.  However, is there another specific quality you would like God to develop in you this year?

I'm linked up today!

Come on over and join in!

fresh from the Word

Titus 1:7-8  For an overseer, as God's steward, must be above reproach.  He must not be arrogant or quick-tempered or a drunkard or violent or greedy for gain, but hospitable, a lover of good, self-controlled, upright, holy, and disciplined.  

It's amazing how the natural mind and spiritual mind are at constant war against each other.  Even more so for a perfectionist (although, by saying that, I fear sounding naive).  The battle, for a perfectionist, like me, can be exhausting!  Why do we use scripture as a self-masochistic tool?  We use it to beat ourselves up:

"You don't trust God enough."

"You shouldn't feel sad."

"You - lazy!  Get with it."

"God expects more of you."

The scriptures are not our personal "cat-of-nine-tails."  It's our guide.  It's the way in which we can know God.

Scripture is a gift. 

Yes, we are accountable for our actions.  We are to do and be what the verses in Titus instruct us to be.  Which should ultimately result in a reflective and corrective-type manner.  But sometimes the question should be, "What do I need to support and help myself?"  The answer may sometimes be:

a hug

a break

a word of encouragement

a visit with a friend

a cup of coffee

or even a nap

It's true that we are to be "one" way and not the "other", as Christians.  But that does not give you the right to beat yourself up.

Serving/living this Christian life should be a JOY, not a burden!  

But don't take my word for it....

Matthew 11:28-30  Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

*a few ideas in this post originated from

It's a Wonderful (Imperfect) Life

by Joan C. Webb

Today I'm linked up to...

Do you have any ideas that will encourage women to joyfully live out their roles as wives and keepers of their homes?  If so, come on over and link up with the rest of us!

fresh from the Word

2 Corinthians 13:4

For He [Jesus] was crucified in weakness, but lives by the power of God.  For we also are weak in Him,...we will live with Him by the power of God.

I need to learn to accept my "human-ness."  Even Christ did that while He walked on this earth.  He lived in this imperfect world with the same human restrictions you and I are facing today.  He understands!

But, just as Christ lives by/with the power of God, so too, do we!  God gives us His power to replace our limitations.

fresh from the Word

James 1:19

Know this, my beloved brother: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger...

I'm such an extreme extrovert!!  {Like there's a need for the exclamation points?}  And I have a false belief that everyone I meet wants to hear what I think. So I talk - a lot!  This is not always wise.  Clearly the Lord addressed this issue in the book of James.

I am constantly guilty of being "quick to speak".
Open mouth insert foot much?  ummm?...Yes.

Most times, I am not the best listener.

Joan Webb says, "...listening without advising may feel uncomfortable at first...[but] after a little practice, it offers loads of relief - to everyone."

I'm hoping to have some opportunities to provide a little relief to those around me in the future.  Because now I realize, that my personality can be exhausting at times!!  Who knew??

p.s.  Just because God "made" you a certain way, doesn't give you an excuse (or a "right") to express who you are 24/7, without apology.  Remember, our ultimate goal in life is to glorify God.  That means lining up to what His character stands for...

fresh from the Word

Mark 8:9-10

And there were about 4,000 people.  And He [Jesus] sent them away.  And immediately He got into the boat with His disciples...

Even Christ set a limit and drew a boundary on His generosity.  I am sure the crowd could have easily expected Him to do more considering the miracle they had just witnessed!  I mean, who doesn't enjoy an encore?

However, just because we may believe the definition of love is always giving and always meeting someone else's needs, it is not entirely true.  We can learn from Christ's example:  we need to love while setting limits.

There are 2 sides to genuine love.

=give & take=

fresh from the Word

Psalm 63:3  Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise You.


There are more moments, than not, that I feel the love towards me, from the people in my life, always lacks something.  How awful, it seems to me, to feel such a thing.  Should I feel that way when my logical mind KNOWS they love me?

However, human love is imperfect.  It leaves you wanting - no matter how great someone loves you {which is difficult for me to comprehend}.

God's love fulfills.

God's love satisfies.

God's love is better than life.

It is perfect.

When I find myself seeking love from a human source, as my main source, I need to turn to God and seek it from Him.  As I nurture my relationship with the Lord, my "need" for human love disappears.

A wise woman once said to me, "Because you are loved with a perfect love, you don't need love."

May you and I choose to seek that truth today, and always.

fresh from the Word

A couple of things:

First,
I am moving my "fresh from the Word" section out of my sidebar and placing it front-and-center into a real post.  This way if you liked something you've read...it's not deleted forever into eternity {which they really weren't to begin with, seeing as I've saved most of them on my computer...woot! woot!}.  You'll simply be able to go to my word cloud (titled "where can I find...?") and click on the tag "fresh from the Word" and viola!, the collection of posts will appear.  You don't have to thank me but...your welcome.

Secondly,
Maybe you've noticed that my recent write-ups have almost shown biblical in-action rather than biblical action.  Which you may be thinking is contradictory to the Christian life.  Isn't it all about doing and living and pressing toward the mark?, you say.  Sure it is.  And I happily engage myself in such a life.

But that's my problem.

I do it too happily.  I'm too eager.  Hence, the reasoning behind reading It's a Wonderful (Imperfect) Life by Joan C. Webb.  I'm a perfectionist and it seems I have no understanding of when to slow down and when to stop.

Did you know that God actually COMMANDS rest and reflection??

And that's the purpose behind these write-ups (and future posts).  That's the purpose behind the book.  It's a purpose I desperately need to incorporate into my life.

So if you are the laid-back version of myself, then you may not {or maybe you may} glean much from what I share.

A few quotes on writing that may help you understand why I write about such in-action....

I never know what I think about something until I read what I've written on it.  -William Faulkner

Writing crystallizes thought and thought produces action.  -Paul J. Meyer

First, I do not sit down at my desk to put into verse something that is already clear in my mind. If it were clear in my mind, I should have no incentive or need to write about it. We do not write in order to be understood; we write in order to understand.  -Robert Cecil Day-Lewis

If you are still appalled, then I'm very sorry.  There's not much I can for you.  But I do know what you can do:  see that little "x" up in the top right-hand corner?  Click on it.