i am not made of plastic

First off, let me just say, that this is not what I had planned to write about today.  Life has been wonderFULL...very very full of good good things.  I really wanted to write about those things.

But...seeing as God is God...He does what He pleases (which is a good thing, in case you didn't know).

He brought me to Psalm 51:16-17 today.

It says,

For You will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it; You will not be pleased with a burnt offering. 

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.

The Message translates it like this,

Going through the motions doesn't please You, a flawless performance is nothing to You.

I learned God-worship when my pride was shattered.  Heart-shattered lives ready for love don't for a moment escape God's notice.

As God would have it, this aligns perfectly with my life these recent days.  You all know I'm going on internship.  With that, there is a lot in my life that is "up in the air".  I have been doing my best to have a proper attitude.  Most of my initial reactions (not responses, by the way, but reactions), have been discouragement, unhappiness, discontentment, fear, and the like.

I enjoy comfort.  I enjoy routine.  There is immeasurable comfort in my routine!  But that is not what pleases God.  He loves a heart in turmoil!  Why do I say that?  Because when I am broken, confused, sad, weak and wavering...I recognize my deep deep need for God.  I have no choice but for my imperfect and finite body/mind to fall into His arms.  And He sees that (I'm thankful that He sees me and cares!), wants that, and desperately wants to be my "One and Only"!

He is so gently, graciously, and lovingly showing me that He does not find pleasure in my flawless "performances".  He values honesty and transparency, with myself and Him.  He values that fact that we mess it all up and then turn to Him for the solution (sometimes that solution can be a long-time coming)! True God-worship is when you recognize He is GOD and recognize your need for Him alone (He loves that!  He soaks that up!  A broken life turned to Him is a sweet smelling savor!).  When my heart is shattered, it is primed and ready to accept His love and will.

He could care (more or)less about my "sacrifices" of church-going, congregation-serving, bible-reading, prayers-never-ceasing, verse-remembering, teeth-smiling, NEPA-knowing, feeling-oh-so-happy-life.

What He DOES care about is my sensitivity towards His voice, my desire to know His word, my love for His people, my broken and depressed-spirit seeking His face each moment, learning (learning is a PROCESS!) to find contentment in a less-than-adequate situation, recognizing His hand of blessing, and the never-ending struggle with my sin.  Basically, He delights in my messy, tear-stained, and up-side-down life being laid, willingly, at His feet with no other hope or option but HIM!

God never confuses my transparency with complaining!  NEVER!

I am not plastic.

I am a real mess.  And that is what pleases Him.