i'm tired of feeling desperate. it ends today.

December 4 2009.

The day my life changed forever.

It was the day I was told I might die.

I might die because of the sweet child that rests inside my womb.

Her body and my body..together..created a toxin so potent it could kill us both.

Some general anesthesia...an emergency c-section...and a few hours later...my beautiful daughter lay in the safety of my warm embrace.

And I loved her.

I loved her more than my own life. 

But yet...the irony of her birth-coming should have been a clear sign of things to come.

With birth pains...fear...of death...and desperation...I should have known.

This thing called "motherhood" wasn't going to be easy.  It wasn't going to come without fear.  Pain.  Or without a sense of hope lost. And in some ways...I did die that day.

My daughter is 3 years old.  And I now have an 18 month-old son.  They are the jewels in my crown.  The breath to my life.  The pride of my joy.

Being a stay-at-home Mom was all I ever wanted out of this life!  And now I'm living my dream!

But just like dreams...they are filled with bits and pieces of random and unproved ideas...with dollops of reality swirled in.  It would be remiss of me to not be honest with you.  Motherhood is hard.  It's harder than hard.  It's harder than I could have ever thought was possible.  It's harder than any job I've ever had.  And it's goals (to raise Godly children in a sinful world) are much loftier than I could ever think to obtain in my own strength.

Most of my days...you'd find...are filled with depression...anxiety...no sense of success...a sharp tongue and quick temper.  Nothing of the tenderness I thought I could possess so easily...BEFORE I had children.

Is this what my life is?  Is this what it's suppose to be about?  Changing dirty diapers?  Cleaning up vomit?  Wiping snotty noses?  Surviving countless tantrums?  A constant fighting and battle of the wills? Each and every task taking 100x longer than it really should?  Consistently arriving late to any and all functions?  Exhaustion?  Always dying to self?  Never having privacy ever again? For years?  Without release?  Without relief?  Without any help?  And no one ever seeming to care?  

All that seems to feel like you are dying inside.  And each night as the sun sets...a small piece of your individual soul seems to set with it.  With the rising of the sun comes tears.  And resistance to the start of yet another day.

Makes you want to be a mom...doesn't it??

I am not trying to cry "pity party" with the grand hopes of you joining me. No. Not at all.

Nor am I trying to paint a picture of horror.  Because my life isn't horrible.  I just feel lost and alone.

I am trying to be honest.  I feel that when I stop pretending...stop being fake...and start being real with what I am feeling...and ADMIT it...I will be able to finally reach a place of true healing.  And in that place of healing exists the freedom to choose to HOPE.

That's why I was BEYOND ECSTATIC to have discovered this book:

It's an answer to my prayers!

I have not read it yet.  (It was just launched yesterday!)  But my husband bought it for me!  I had been talking about it ever since I heard it was going to be published.  And talking.  And talking.  And one day...Mike came to me and said..."I pre-ordered it for you."

 ))insert excited hysteria and hand-waving here((

Today my life will change.

It will still include the hardness of life.

But at least I will be able to breathe...

Feeling the same way?  Check out www.desperatemom.com for more information.

I'm linked up here today...