Monday, November 19, 2012

better than my wildest dreams

Elisabeth Elliot once said, concerning the content of Amy Carmichael's letters,
While she never meant to make her lot look like a hard one (wouldn't that make it appear that she had a hard Master?), she did mean to be a realist wherever realism was not inimical to her purposes.
This has meant to be the purpose of my blog.  However, I think I ended up focusing too much on being a "realist" and not enough time considering how that would be "inimical" to my goal.

You see, I so desperately wanted the world to know how difficult it can be, at times, to be....ME.  To really SEE into the days of my life.  So you can understand what goes on behind this side of my screen.  To see that I am "normal".  I struggle.  I fall and stumble and make a complete mess of my life.  That to be a God-fearing, God-loving Christian doesn't mean to be perfect.

Throughout my life, people have assumed this.  They have assumed I think I'm "Little Miss Perfect".  That I have it all together.  And that my life has turned into sweet smelling roses.  That my life has afforded me opportunities and that I'm blessed beyond measure.  So that it becomes something you all should be jealous about.  But that is not me.  But it also is me.  I am not perfect.  Yet I have been incredibly and supernaturally blessed!

With all that in mind, I have made it my personal goal to discredit such thought. To show you all TRUTH.  But as a result, I have overcompensated.  I hyper-focused on the negative.  And now?

I'm pretty sure I've made everyone believe that my life isn't just "difficult" but that I "hate" it.   I also think there are some people who believe that I have given up my own dreams to live this life.

But I don't. And I didn't.  I don't hate this!  I don't hate my life!

Much to your surprise, I love everything about this little life of mine!!

All this to say:

I'm sorry.
to my family
my friends
to you, my dear reader.

I'm sorry to have painted a picture of negativity.
I'm sorry to have portrayed my God as harsh and mean.
I'm sorry I failed to emphasis the joy of this life I live!
I'm sorry that this optimist has portrayed deep pessimism.
I want to tell truth.
But I want it to be a positive truthful truth.
Not a "Debbie Downer" truth.

And yet, I struggle with a HUGE distaste for the fake and the plastic.
I don't want to be so overly sweet, I disgust you.

I want to be happily real.

My goal for this blog, from now on, is BALANCE.  As best as God will allow.  

I have learned that to be completely open and transparent, without regard to the potential consequences, is irresponsible.  It can hurt people.  And I have. And I'm calling it what it is: sin.  Not that telling truth is sin, but willingly disregarding the consequences of that truth.

I am learning to fill my entire life with an overabundance of discernment.  To know what to say, when to say it, with Godly wisdom and great discretion.

Let me leave you with this:

Did I ever really dream of this life?
But I am beyond THANKFUL and JOYFUL to a sovereign God who dreamed it up for me.
It wasn't in my wildest dreams...'s way better.

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Love is to the heart what the summer is to the farmer's year - it brings to harvest all the loveliest flowers of the soul. -Unknown