Tuesday, May 22, 2012

two is twice as better

I was very pregnant with John David, as I sat and rocked my sweet little girl to bed that night, with hot tears streaming down my face.  I could hear the heaviness of her breath.  I felt her golden strands of hair-silk between my fingers.  I could smell the lavender baby bath still moist on her skin.  

Rocking her to sleep is a nightly ritual I enjoy {and need} more than Annaleigh ever has.  Sure, she likes this special time with just Mommy after a fun-filled day of coloring and kisses.  But it was me who loved it most.

And I was so scared.  Scared to have this baby.  Scared that it would change it all.  Scared to loose such sweetness between her and I.

I was actually jealous for Annaleigh.  Jealous that "her and Mommy" would soon become "her, the baby, and Mommy".  That we would have to share each other.  Split our time.  And go without.

I can't even begin to describe to you that pain of borrowing that trouble.  Of imagining how such joy could create such sadness.

I wanted to be a mother of two....more than anything.  But I also mourned being a mommy of one.

But last night, as I sat in that glider, I rocked my boy.  My second child.  With hot tears streaming down my face.  I could hear the heaviness of his breath.  Feel his tired body sinking into mine.  And smell his sweet baby skin as he drifted off to sleep.

John David's birth didn't strip me of love.  It added to it.  A hundred fold.  The sadness I allowed to consume my heart was all in vain.  Ignorant vain.  I was scared, not knowing I'd want this.  That I'd really want it.  That I'd actually enjoy my life being changed.  That I would gain such immeasurable sweetness.  Instead of splitting my time, I'd be getting more of it.  

Days and nights filled with more love, more snuggles, more kisses, more hugs, more of everything.  How could I have dared to live without it? 

It's true what they say, that the heart is a big place.  Annaleigh still gets all of me.  I still sift fingers through hair and sing songs of lullabies.  It's just that now?  I get to do it twice.

But wonderfully and perfectly warm enough to spend all day outside and taking a walk around the neighborhood!  Eating our lunch outside happened, too!


  1. Beautiful! No matter what... your blog posts ALWAYS create a lump in my throat...usually followed by a few tears! :)

  2. I loved this post. So beautiful. Your children are absolutely adorable. You are blessed and your children are blessed to have a momma like you

  3. What a sweet post! I often wonder if I'm lucky enough to have another baby how will my daughter be affected? In reality I want another baby for her, so she can have a sibling to love and they will love her back.
    Thanks for stopping by!

  4. Hey Michelle! I stumbled upon your beautiful blog and have so blessed reading your posts! Oh, what a beautiful family you have been blessed with.....God is so good!

    I am your newest follower and look forward to stopping by again and reading your sweet posts!



Love is to the heart what the summer is to the farmer's year - it brings to harvest all the loveliest flowers of the soul. -Unknown