I once read something from someone, somewhere:
Question: "Do you see your glass as half empty or half full?"And to be honest, if you know me at all, that's my sentiment exactly. I feel gifted to be able to find (abundant) joy in the little things of life. (Like the fact that the restaurant Ted's Montana Grill gives you straws made out of paper rather than plastic. I love that! I don't know why that makes me happy. But it does!)
Answer: "I'm just happy to have a glass."
Yet, every once in a while, this life can get to you. Maybe I'm just forgetting all I've learned about who God is and how He works, but my humanity can sometimes make me blind to His purposes more times than I feel comfortable admitting. I am reminded, once again, of my limitations as a fallen creature.
But you wouldn't mind me entertaining my limitations for a few minutes, would you?
There are days in this seminary life where I feel trapped in my own head. It's quite possible, however, that my entrapment is not related to seminary life, at all. I probably say that, because it's the life with which I'm most familiar. The life that I'm currently living. Therefore, I have no real frame of reference. But try to follow me anyway...
I'm a stay-at-home mom. A profession I've wanted to achieve since I could push a doll in a toy stroller. One that fills me with great joy. But the hardest profession....like. ever.
My husband attends seminary. Requiring of him oodles and oodles of time to study, read and prepare projects. Meaning? It also requires of me to happily (and ungrudgingly) sacrifice our time together.
My husband has to work 40 hrs/week. Requiring of him to make up those hours (after 5pm during the week and during the days on weekends) because his classes take up about 15 of those hours. Meaning? See my previous requirement...and add on that I don't have him around to help me out with our baby as much.
My profession sometimes equals an almost non-existent social life. Which is not the best thing for me. I'm 100% Sanguin. Being around people is what motivates me.
***Needless to say, I feel lonely. Trapped inside my own head. Feeling like I can't escape my own thoughts and feelings. I recently was encouraged by Courtney's recent post over at her blog: Women Living Well. But that is only the start...application needs to follow before I can actually achieve the desired persepective.
I'd love to share things with my husband, but it doesn't always feel right. I'm am opposed to bombarding him with my negative thoughts each time they swoop in and claim me. Simply because he gets sad when he knows I'm sad. And if I shared everything, we would not be a very happy household. Do not be mistaken, Mike and I communicate. I just don't feel it's necessary to communicate things unless it's run through my "spirtual-filter". It must be determined to be substantial and helpful to our marriage rather than just frivilous girly-feelings.
I'd love to share with my friends, but some don't have a clue what my life is about, and those who do, don't seem to share the same thoughts/ideas/feelings.
I'd love to share with my family, but even their understanding is limited to what I go through, no matter how often I've tried to explain. Who is there left to connect with?
There are days I feel forgotten.
So this is my reason as to why I'm
To get it out of my system. Out of my head. To release me from my own entrampment.
And as I have said, I don't like being negative. In fact, "complaining" is a pet-peeve of mine (only to an extent...I do enjoy being there for people when times are hard for them. It's just when you've tried to encourage and they figuratively stomp on your advice, that's when it's annoying. Don't complain if you don't want to try and change things. --stepping off my soap box now--)
What is the real cure? The real answer?
I believe that's the lesson the Lord is teaching me.
He will reveal it to me in His time.
And I no longer will have a date with myself for the pity party.
Thanks for listening...err...reading. I feel better.
And now, I'll go back to being happy I even have a glass.
I am fully aware
that my experience
is no where near
as difficult of a life
as some of you
have to endure everyday.
I am thankful to God
that He lets me live this life.
I just needed to vent.