Living Life Again

I remember it like it was yesterday...

About nine months ago, on a hot July day, we pulled up to, what is now, our home. Our quaint and character-filled apartment in West Scranton, PA. Tall steep steps leading to carpet-covered porch (yes, I said carpet-covered). As I put the car in park, I never could imagine my life feeling comfortable with my surroundings ever again. Being born and raised in Massachusetts, with only a handful of trips outside my home-state and going to college only 45-minutes away, I had never really ventured beyond my front steps.

The awkwardness and loneliness over the next few months was enough to consume me. Mike would go to school and go to work nearly every day, all day. All the while, I would stay couped up in the apartment listening to jr. high kids hang out on our street wondering if they were the "good" or "bad" kind of jr. high kids. Then realizing, in case of an emergency...who do I call?? Michael?? But what if he doesn't answer his phone? My mom?? She lives 5 hours away and they way she drives, she'd end up in Providence, RI, not Scranton. My dad?? Sure, he'd come... the way he drives he's be here in 3 hours...but what if in 3 hours, I'm already dead?? It's easy to say that we are to hold every thought captive to the obedience of Christ...but it's much more difficult if you don't have a TV to distract you from the neighborhood noise outside your door. While reading God's Word, you can still hear the police cars picking up a suspect two blocks away. Holding your thoughts captive to Christ is not easy....

My point of the post??

Going from sheer boredom and loneliness to back to practising the power of "no" again. Who knew?! I can not believe the busy-ness that consumes my life. So much so, that I have no time for me! When in Massachusetts, I was so busy I didn't really know which way was up. Always doing something, going somewhere, helping someone...

In the start of this new chapter in our lives, I did not see this coming. I assumed I would make friends and have portions of my weeks filled with lightly entertaining events...but not literally transposing my life from MA to PA (just with a few new main characters)!

All this to say...I'm grateful. I don't always enjoy how life manages to crowd in on itself, but I do enjoy being with people who love me, want me around, and want to hear my heart. I enjoy living life rather than waiting for life to start.

I praise God and love Him for being the one and only who can fill the void in my soul. I am grateful for His grace and mercy. I am humbled that even in the midst of apparent loneliness...He was there...growing me for His glory...

Secret Sin

Better is little with the fear of the Lord than great treasure and trouble therewith.

Proverbs 15:16

Most people would know me to be a generally grateful person. Which, compared to most, I think I am. However, my life is not to be compared with the lives of others. And so begins the mental battle...

...I am a girl's girl. Girlie, frilly, bows, glitter, and pink. I love the idea of great clothes, fancy shoes, chunky jewerly, the perfect makeup blend for my complextion, the purest facial care, bold colors of nailpolish, fantastic manis/pedis, exfoliating foot soaks, among much more. (I would like to someday morph into and acutally be Stacey London.)

I also enjoy a hidden passion of "keeping up" with people who are very different from the way I was made. Whether my body, my house, my crafting skills, taking care of my hubby, my spirituality, the list goes on. I want to do, and be, and work, and move, and fulfill what all others are around me have done and are doing - in what I seem to think as - "better". But God has created me to be me - and that includes all my shortcomings.

But the gentle Lord pulls me to his bosom and sweetly whispers in my ear the the words of correction - so soft and so firm. God is so loving, so good. I praise Him for unveiling to me that secret sin of my heart. So secret, that in fact, I didn't even know it was there.

If you haven't guessed what that sin is in my life, I'll tell you.

DISCONTENTMENT.

What?! I say. What?! No. Not me, Lord. Me? Really? But I'm thankful. I'm always so thankful for the very breath you allow into my lungs! Discontentment!? This can't be! Oh. I hear you. Oh ok. Yes. I understand. I see what you're saying. I guess I do fall short in that area. Now that you mention it. True. Sure. I am reminded once again that I am a sinner saved by Your grace. I need to fix that. I'll get to work right away! Please help me, Lord. For without you, I can do nothing.

Deep in my heart I had been hemoraging this sin. I had convinced myself that I was happy with what God has given me. (This is similar to my personal belief that I am a punctual person. My husband will attest to the fact that I am indeed NOT a punctual person. I like the idea of being punctual, but I am not actually punctual.) Like the saying goes, "Actions speak louder than words." My actions have proved that I am far from a contented individual. I didn't realize how bad I have the "gimmie's". I secretly wanted it ALL - and not just in spurts - but by the truck loads on the same calendar day.

So to handle this I've taken all the extra minutes of my day to analyze my heart and then to compare it to truth: the Word of God.

Soon after I began to analyze and compare, I have found what I think I need is not acutally what I need. As much as I like the idea of becoming materialistically fat, I can live quite happliy through life without being "fat".

1. I have no need for any appliance, picture frame, basket, cooking utensil, pillow, candle, and any of the like. No matter if that "thing" is shiny, useful, pretty, would match perfectly, make the space more welcoming, soft to rest my head on, smells nice, or more convenient. I can live my life just fine without those extra "neccessities". My home has all I need to run it smoothly.
2. I have no immediate need for extra makeup, nailpolish, hair products, body lotion, face cream, etc. No matter if it will prevent my "bound-to-be-here-any-day" wrinkles, make my eye lashes 100 feet long, dry in 60 secs with a 1 monty no-chip top coat, give me higher volume, graft the most sensual fragrance to my skin, or moisturize me 24/7 after only one simple application 'till I'm called up to Jesus.
3. I have no need for any new punches, double-sided scrapbook paper, scissors, stamps, brads, buttons, scrapbooks, or projects (until I finish the ones I've got). No matter how easy they slice through paper like butter, coordinate easily, cut out cute designs, stamp images that look terribly similar to ones I already possess, accessorize each project perfectly, or add to my blissfully sweet craft to-do list.

Then the question comes. What do I really need? I mean REALLY need. Need in this time in my life. Like, if I don't have it, I die or have a severely poor quality of life.

1. Food (have it.)
2. Shelter (got it.)
3. Love (have that, too.)
4. Cleanliness (got it - we hope.)

So each time I start to battle and wrestle in mind about having "things". Each time I ponder, "Gee, it sure would be nice to have this." I force myself to think on things that are true. And the truth is: I don't need it. God has blessed above and beyond all I could think or imagine.

Basic living is all I need. It may not be what I want. But it's all I need. My journey to subdue this sin to it's smallest micro form and to melt my wants and needs into one will not be easy, nor fast. But it will be worth it. Why? Because my life will glorify God as He proves to the world that He is enough for me. And who needs more than that?

Why Dost Thou Glory?

Turned our clocks back Saturday night! Yaye! Spring is coming! Praying for the Winter Blues to LEAVE!

I've changed. I'm not myself. It seems I'm reverting to my college days of being judgemental. It makes me an ugly person and most definitely not Christ-like.

I'm hoping these verses below will be a help and my behavior will evolve into more God-honoring and God-fearing behavior.

I'm not see those who are saved in Christ through the eyes of God as those who are justified by the blood of Jesus Christ. I'm forgetting to see people as "good" first and also giving them the benefit of the doubt.

James 4:11-12

Speak not evil one of another, brethern. He that speaketh
evil of his brother, speaketh evil of the law, and judgeth the law: but if
thou judge the law, thou art not a doer of the law, but a judge.

There is one law giver, who is able to save and to
destroy: who art thou that judgest another?

Matthew 7:1-2

Judge not, that ye be not judged.

For with what judgement ye judge, ye shall be judged: and
with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.

1 Corinthians 4:5;7

Therefore judge nothing before the time, until the Lord come,
who both will be bring to light the hidden things of darkness, and will make
manifest the counsels of the hearts: and then shall every man have praise
of God...

...For who maketh thee to differ from another? and what
hast thou that thou didst not receive? now if thou didst receive it, why
dost thou glory, as if thou hadst not received it?

May my words, deeds and actions be pleasing to the Lord....

Put On the Whole Armour of God

"If reading God's Word is the most important thing that we must do each day, then why is it so hard?" ~Peggy Walker

That's the question that began her lecture during our monthly Seminary Wives Fellowship (SWF) meeting. My answer: "I don't know, but it is hard." Her answer: "....for we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places..." Ephesians 6:12. The wiles of the devil can be defined as distractions with no eternal value!

We don't wrestle against people or things. We wrestle against the devil, his demons, and his ways. When I can't find the time and when I do anything else in place of being in the Word, the devil has the victory. The devil is working overtime to fill my mind and my time with things less worthy than God's Word. Therefore, making it difficult to be in the Word, leading to an unclear definition of my ministries (wife, mother, etc...), inhibiating my ability to defend myself accordingly, and ultimately resulting in my fall.

Here are some causes to our problem of being in the Word:

1. Time
2. Knowing how
3. Distractions
4. Consistency
5. Discipline
6. Sin in our lives
7. Others

Galatians 5:17 "...So that you cannot do the things that you would."

Romans 7:15-17 "Warring between spirit and flesh."

"You're powerless if you're not in the Word," she says. She goes on to say that you can't fool people and you can't fool God when you are trying to do it all on your own and in your own strength and ability. You'll only last for so long. In order to have "the power of His might" (Eph. 6:10) you must be in the Word.

Whoa. Scary stuff. The type of fear that forces me to be proactive in my personal time and devotion with God.

Huh. She's right. Peggy Walker continued with her lecture, encouraging us to form our own personal Biblical philosophy. Her personal desire is that she be known as "a woman of the Word." She said that we must define and defend what we do as a wife, as a mother, and as a pastor's wife. She knows of at least 10 pastor's wives who do not attend church on Sunday mornings. She believes it's because they have not defined what they do according to God's Word. They are not in the Word and can't follow it's teachings in order to glorify God. They've been pushed out by people and criticism. (ppssttt...not flesh and blood. Wiles of the devil.) You need to be able to stand firm and solid on what you believe so that even when people disagree, you can answer them, "I'm doing what I believe is right according to the Word of God."

Halfway through I panicked, wishing I had a tape recorder with me to remember each precious word that left her mind through her mouth. I wasn't taking very many notes because I was so enthralled and engaged in what I was hearing. It hadn't even cross my mind until it was too late. She was so encouraging! I was moved to action! Feeling empowered to study the Bible so that I could "be strong in the Lord..." (Eph. 6:10)

Reading/studying God's Word faithfully has been a constant struggle throughout my Christian walk. I desperately desire to change that from struggle to victory with the help and power of Jesus Christ. He has already begun to equip me in order to acccomplish this process. Peggy Walker's lecture has jump-started it all. And with the help of a few close friends and most importantly, the Holy Spirit, I feel I can do this.

The idea that hit home most was this: God's purpose for my life is to love Him and know Him. And if I know Him, I ultimately know who I am in Him.

I am not simply "along for the ride" with Michael as he pursues his M.Div. and then a pastor. I am on a team. A team created by God and for God. And as in the realm of sports, I must be as conditioned and as skilled as my husband to glorify God and to accomplish His will for our lives. I must make it my goal, my desire, my life's work to know God better. To be disciplined. I can't do that through "osmosis" - expecting to get the knowledge from my husband's knowledge. I must define myself as a wife, mother, and pastor's wife according to God's Word. Then I will be able to defend myself using God's Word. But I must be in the Word.

I do not want to fail my Creator. I do not want to fail my Savior. I do not want to fail my Heavenly Father. I want to glorify God in every fiber of my being. Praise the Lord for His love and patience. Like the children's song: "He's still working on me, to make me what I oughta be. It took Him just a week to make the moon and stars, the sun and the Earth, and Jupiter and Mars. How loving and patient He must be, 'cuz He's still working on me..."

I'm not a final product, but my goal is that when I get to heaven, there won't be much change between my earthly self and my heavenly self. Please pray for me. Pray for my daily return to the Word of God. I want to know more deeply of who I am in Him. I want to love Him more deeply. I want to be known as a woman of the Word.

Just When Things Were Going Well....

PLOP!!! Here's a nice big one for ya right in your lap! Didn't see that one comin' did ya???

Arg. Please bear with me. I'm attempting to have a good and proper Biblical attitude about all this.

We took Mike's Chevy Blazer to the mechanic's today. He could sense something was wrong with the car, but wasn't sure so he decided to get it looked at. Well...something WAS wrong. Our transmission is a mess. Worn out hoses, somewhere. Transmission fluids, everywhere. All I can keep saying to myself is, "You've got to be kidding me!?" It's going to cost anywhere between $1400 - $2000! By MONDAY! (And you do know we just happen to have that sitting in our back pocket, right? Yeah........right.)

So we have a few options. Spend the money to fix it. Buy a new car. Or do something illegal with a big payoff. (None of the options we can afford.)

Mike is about to get another job (most likely, not set in stone, yet). So that would mean we would have money to set aside for next semester's seminary bill AND still be able to afford groceries. I was thrilled to be able to finally feel the financial reins loosen a little. Until....PLOP! The wonderful news about our Blazer. Joy. Rapture. Hooray.

Please pray. We need wisdom, and fast. I mean it's one thing to struggle through school. It's entirely another when the "job" you're going to school to get, is one that STILL won't get you anywhere financially.

So...this leads me to the spiritual section of the blog...

Just as we have done, we must continue to put our faith and trust in the only One Who can provide. None other than The Great Provider, Our Saviour and Lord Jesus Christ. "Lord, help me to trust and obey as I submit to Your perfect plan."

Psalm 37:25-26
I have been young, and now am old; yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor His seed begging bread. He is ever merciful, and lendeth; and His seed is blessed.

Psalm 56:22
Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and He shall sustain thee: He shall never suffer the righteous to be moved.

Psalm 84:11
For the Lord God is a sun and shield: the Lord will give grace and glory: no good thing will he withhold from them that walk uprightly.

Psalm 108:12
Give us help from trouble: for vain is the help of man.

Psalm 119:71
It is good for me that I have been afflicted; that I might learn thy statutes.

Proverbs 15:16
Better is little with the fear of the Lord than great treasure and trouble therewith.

Lamentations 3:32
But though He cause grief, yet will He have compassion according to the multitude of His mercies.

Thanks for bearing with me as I strive to remind myself of all things true. 

The Providence of God

Each time God amazes me in a way I think it could never get any better - He goes ahead and amazes me even more! Not to say that it's God's purpose to amaze Michelle Weston, but I'm still amazed none-the-less. He truly is an awesome God worthy of our praise and adoration!

You see, Pennsylvania was never on my radar of "things I want to accomplish in my life". And then I met Michael, who has a deep burden from God to someday plant a church in the New England area. My first reaction was fear. Then doubt. Some more fear. And the famous questions, "Me? Why?"

At that time in my life, my faith was smaller than what it is sitting here today on the other side of the computer screen. But as a result of exercising that "small" faith, I now have more, and by God's grace, even more as they days pass.

God's plan for Michael and I's life has been a wonderful journey I would never have traded for anybody's else life. It has not be a smooth path of decision-making, but it has been God's path.

We moved to PA with anticipation and excitement. I never even fathomed how difficult of a transition this would have been. The homesickness and loniness was more than I could bear (not to mention my husband spends all his days in class or at work - not his fault, that's why we're here, I love him for it, but it made it that much more difficult). I would burst into tears at a moment's notice and I wouldn't even know why, because I did truly feel so happy to be here fulfulling God's plan for our lives. I found comfort in knowing God was right there with me and I knew we were in His will, but the reality of the transition hit like a tidal wave. I begged God for relief, knowing it would come, but wishing it had been there a day sooner.

Just like cough medicine, the initial "taste" can just about kill me, cause me to vomit, or knock me out (I'm a terrible baby - tantrums, crying, wiggling, flailing of arms - when I have to take any sort of liquid medicine), the will of God can seem unbearable. But after the medicine has gone through your system, the releif, healing, and sweet sound sleep come. God's will may knock you down after you take that leap of faith, but the results of doing so are worth it. Again, not to say that it is God's responsiblity to bless our obedience, it just creates an amazing sense of awe and gratitude when He chooses to do so.

The list of blessings I have compiled overwhelm me. Now I burst into tears because of how great God is! I cry out of thankfulness and humility.

I have had made a few really good friends here - a type of friendship I have not experienced in a long time. I know they will continue to grow and flourish into a life-time of support and laughs.

I experienced my first Bible-study on Esther: the providence of God. It has transformed my life and will be a refreshing well from which I can draw from during those darker times of life.

Through that Bible study I have gotten to know my Pastor's wife so well. Our hearts have been knit together and I can honestly say, I love her.

I am a part of the Seminary Wives Fellowship, where I've met a couple of those friends I've mentioned. I have received such good council from the lectures. I have had my mentor's praying for me and supporting me through this time. I am so thankful for that.

Mike and I have been officially voted in to Heritage Baptist Church of Clarks Summit, PA. We are members of a family again! What a great church to be a part of! They preach it straight, they have an amazing sense of balance, and is filled with such loving people!

And most importantly, Mike is doing wonderful in seminary! He just took a Greek exam (one of the biggies) and he got a 97%!! He is doing so well and I'm so proud of my sweetheart! He has been such a hard worker - trying to support us as well as focus on his studies! He is a good man and he is mine!! I love him and the sacrifices he's making for God and for us!

Our relationship as husband and wife has continually gotten stronger since we have been here (ironic - we see each other less)! A good friend (Chastity) once told me of the "triangle theory". As a husband and wife grow closer to God, they grow closer to each other! The truth of that has been shown since we've been here!

It has been awesome to take the steps of faith God has asked us to take and then to receive such solid confirmation that this is where He wants us! My pastor's wife recently said to me, "That's because you and Mike are a team. You are meant to be here just as much as he is."

How great is our God! He is worthy to be praised.