Secret Sin

Better is little with the fear of the Lord than great treasure and trouble therewith.

Proverbs 15:16

Most people would know me to be a generally grateful person. Which, compared to most, I think I am. However, my life is not to be compared with the lives of others. And so begins the mental battle...

...I am a girl's girl. Girlie, frilly, bows, glitter, and pink. I love the idea of great clothes, fancy shoes, chunky jewerly, the perfect makeup blend for my complextion, the purest facial care, bold colors of nailpolish, fantastic manis/pedis, exfoliating foot soaks, among much more. (I would like to someday morph into and acutally be Stacey London.)

I also enjoy a hidden passion of "keeping up" with people who are very different from the way I was made. Whether my body, my house, my crafting skills, taking care of my hubby, my spirituality, the list goes on. I want to do, and be, and work, and move, and fulfill what all others are around me have done and are doing - in what I seem to think as - "better". But God has created me to be me - and that includes all my shortcomings.

But the gentle Lord pulls me to his bosom and sweetly whispers in my ear the the words of correction - so soft and so firm. God is so loving, so good. I praise Him for unveiling to me that secret sin of my heart. So secret, that in fact, I didn't even know it was there.

If you haven't guessed what that sin is in my life, I'll tell you.

DISCONTENTMENT.

What?! I say. What?! No. Not me, Lord. Me? Really? But I'm thankful. I'm always so thankful for the very breath you allow into my lungs! Discontentment!? This can't be! Oh. I hear you. Oh ok. Yes. I understand. I see what you're saying. I guess I do fall short in that area. Now that you mention it. True. Sure. I am reminded once again that I am a sinner saved by Your grace. I need to fix that. I'll get to work right away! Please help me, Lord. For without you, I can do nothing.

Deep in my heart I had been hemoraging this sin. I had convinced myself that I was happy with what God has given me. (This is similar to my personal belief that I am a punctual person. My husband will attest to the fact that I am indeed NOT a punctual person. I like the idea of being punctual, but I am not actually punctual.) Like the saying goes, "Actions speak louder than words." My actions have proved that I am far from a contented individual. I didn't realize how bad I have the "gimmie's". I secretly wanted it ALL - and not just in spurts - but by the truck loads on the same calendar day.

So to handle this I've taken all the extra minutes of my day to analyze my heart and then to compare it to truth: the Word of God.

Soon after I began to analyze and compare, I have found what I think I need is not acutally what I need. As much as I like the idea of becoming materialistically fat, I can live quite happliy through life without being "fat".

1. I have no need for any appliance, picture frame, basket, cooking utensil, pillow, candle, and any of the like. No matter if that "thing" is shiny, useful, pretty, would match perfectly, make the space more welcoming, soft to rest my head on, smells nice, or more convenient. I can live my life just fine without those extra "neccessities". My home has all I need to run it smoothly.
2. I have no immediate need for extra makeup, nailpolish, hair products, body lotion, face cream, etc. No matter if it will prevent my "bound-to-be-here-any-day" wrinkles, make my eye lashes 100 feet long, dry in 60 secs with a 1 monty no-chip top coat, give me higher volume, graft the most sensual fragrance to my skin, or moisturize me 24/7 after only one simple application 'till I'm called up to Jesus.
3. I have no need for any new punches, double-sided scrapbook paper, scissors, stamps, brads, buttons, scrapbooks, or projects (until I finish the ones I've got). No matter how easy they slice through paper like butter, coordinate easily, cut out cute designs, stamp images that look terribly similar to ones I already possess, accessorize each project perfectly, or add to my blissfully sweet craft to-do list.

Then the question comes. What do I really need? I mean REALLY need. Need in this time in my life. Like, if I don't have it, I die or have a severely poor quality of life.

1. Food (have it.)
2. Shelter (got it.)
3. Love (have that, too.)
4. Cleanliness (got it - we hope.)

So each time I start to battle and wrestle in mind about having "things". Each time I ponder, "Gee, it sure would be nice to have this." I force myself to think on things that are true. And the truth is: I don't need it. God has blessed above and beyond all I could think or imagine.

Basic living is all I need. It may not be what I want. But it's all I need. My journey to subdue this sin to it's smallest micro form and to melt my wants and needs into one will not be easy, nor fast. But it will be worth it. Why? Because my life will glorify God as He proves to the world that He is enough for me. And who needs more than that?