a girl of surpassing beauty: part 4 {how to cultivate proper self-talk}

Click HERE for PART 1

HERE for PART 2

HERE for PART 3

We need to start loving and seeing ourselves the way God loves and sees us.

= the brunt of this series.

In the first 3 parts of this series {here, here and here}, I have been explaining that we need to saturate our minds with the things of God.  When that happens, your world view begins to conform to the views of God RATHER than the views of the world.  You begin to understand that TRUE BEAUTY is a heart hungry for Him.  A life lived to glorify God. 

I know what you're thinking...that's great, Michelle.  I agree with you.  But I still feel ugly!  You don't know what I see beneath these clothes!  

Can I tell you something?  When you start to filter your thinking through God's Word...the "world's" idea of beauty will slowly begin to fade away. {note:  I said slowly.  this process doesn't happen overnight, girls!}  And as a result, you will GLOW with TRUE JOY for God and this life.  A joy that can ONLY come from God.  That glow will radiate to others.  And people will be drawn to your God-given beauty.  TRUST ME.  You will feel beautiful.

Because it's not about looks. To prove this, think about it:  isn't it true that you can tell when someone has had a very bad day before they even open their mouth?  How about someone who has lived a long and hard life? Doesn't it just show ALL over them??  Even if they are considered "attractive" by the world's standards?  It's even common to hear the phrase "ugly" used to point out a person's nasty attitude, That girl was acting so ugly... That's because the INSIDE affects our OUTSIDE.  The most beautiful people are the ones who are CONFIDENT and CONTENT.

But as I mentioned in the last post, this process can be so hard:

When an infection is found inside a wound, it must first be removed before the healing process can begin.  As we actively renew our minds, we must also learn how to beat down and fight back all the years of pain, hurtful comments, and false truths that have been told to us.

Mike is a strong advocate for the "replacement theory" {<-----that's not an official name, just a name we affectionately call it in our family...in fact, if you were to google that...it would NOT mean what I'm about to say it means!}  He has taught me how important {vital!} that "theory" is in the process of true change.  Here's what I mean:  whenever a bad habit/behavior leaves, a good habit/behavior must take its place.  Otherwise, the bad habit will never truly leave.  In fact, it will mostly likely return.

All that to say, we must re-learn how to talk to ourselves!  We must exchange wrong thinking with right thinking!!  Here's some tips/suggestions that were inspired by the book, Get Positively Beautiful by Carmindy, on how to cultivate proper self-talk and repair your damaged self-image {this list is not exhaustive}:

1) Stop tearing yourself down!

Stop being mean to yourself.  Just because Suzie in your 4th grade class embarrassingly pointed out to the entire school that your left thumb is slightly larger than your right...doesn't give you license to join her in the mocking.  Ignore 4th grade Suzie. Don't give her the control over your self-worth.  Steal it back and start being KIND to yourself.  You are going to be with yourself for all eternity...so start getting along!  Start reminding yourself that you are a child of God!  God loved you enough to send His only Son to die for your sins (including self-hate)!!  Sit and ponder and try to wrap your mind around that concept!  He loves you JUST THE WAY YOU ARE.  Start loving yourself in the same way.

2) Drop the flaw focus!

"Don't take over the role of critic and turn up the volume."  Start celebrating your individuality and focus on enhancing/praising your unique qualities!  Speak sweetly to yourself in the mirror each morning.  Rather than saying, ugh.  another blemish!, start saying, my green eyes sparkle today!  Rather than saying, no one likes me!, start saying, God has blessed me with ___________ allowing me to bless others!

3) Kick away corrosive comparisons!

a) This is a DANGEROUS game, my friends.  This is what affects me the most.  How about you? Can I assume that you feel the same way?  I start comparing myself to other girls in church, in magazines, on T.V., at the grocery store, on their blogs(!), and almost any other place a female might co-exist with me.    

b) Stop comparing to stop despairing!! 

c) WE are society, girls.  The media will change if we change!  A Proverbs 31 woman is NOT APPRECIATED in our culture.  But the lady who lives those principles out, THAT is beautiful in God's eyes.  We can be the pioneers to set such a standard. 

d) Revel in YOUR fantastic features/qualities.  Because there is no set standard of feminine beauty.  There really isn't!  Every. single. woman is born blessed with SOMETHING she can claim as beautiful.  Tuning in to what is special about you, turns on that inner light that transforms into a thing of beauty.   

e) "Recognize that there will always be someone more this and someone less that.  BUT the one with the most confidence wins every time - so stop keeping score!  "The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we are comparing our behind-the-scenes with everyone else's highlight reel." {source Pintrest}

f)  And finally, do you even know how much it costs Jennifer Aniston to be Jennifer Aniston?  If you don't, let me tell you:  approximately $11,933.90/month.  (say what?!?!)  You heard me read it right.  That means it costs that girl about $141,0377.97 per year to be that "beautiful".  "So the next time you're sighing over a photo of Aniston's face/legs/butt/whatever, consider that with the money she spends to look beautiful for a year, you could: purchase a home in the Midwest, send a kid to college for (almost) four years, buy six Honda Accords, or fly roundtrip from Los Angeles to New York -- in first class -- 44 times! Kinda puts things in perspective, right?" {source via} 

{source via}

You need to stop believing the lies and start listening to the truth.  Pray and ask God to help you to do this.  Because God doesn't make junk.  That means YOU aren't junk.  And God saw everything He had made, and behold, it was very good.  Genesis 1:31

Come back tomorrow for part 5 where I discuss {how to find the beauty inside}.  It's already there!  I promise!

64°

Sunny and breezy.

But it feels like 25° in the dead of winter!

Had a lunch date with an amazing friend today.

Rejoicing with her over good news about her internship!

Writing with love to an audience of One,

Michelle

a girl of surpassing beauty {my life-long struggle with self-esteem}: part 1

Can I share a secret with you?

I don't think I'm pretty.

Honestly.  I don't.

Now, it's not that I see myself as "ugly"...but I definitely don't see myself fitting into the "attractive" category.  This is something I have felt for nearly all of my life.

Why is that?  Why is my self-esteem so tarnished and warped?  Why is it self-degrading?  Why do I internally shy away when I see another girl of surpassing beauty?  A feeling that makes me want to find the nearest dark corner and hide?  A desire to:  wish I didn't exist.

I wondered the same thing the other day.  So I began to stroll down the lanes of my memory.  Checking inside each door to find what was inside.  What had I missed?  What details, that were apparently important enough, to shape my entire identity?  Extrinsic and foreign details that have become so ingrained into my emotional skin, that they have become intrinsically grafted onto my heart, into my self-talk, and ultimately, to affect my self-image.

After a few days of quiet pondering, I found it.

And surprisingly to me, it's a story that I've told countless times before.  It's not a story forgotten.  Or hidden.  Or even obscure.  It's a portion of my life that is extremely vivid in my mind.

But I'm just realizing that it was filled with details, so subtle, my mental radar ignored them.

Subtle, but oh-so-important.  Oh-so-large.  Oh-so-damaging.

Here's some back story:
I was born an only child.  My mother and father were divorced when I was only five years old.  It changed me, sure.  Made me who I am today.  And it was hard.  But, looking back, I had an AMAZING childhood.  I loved it.  And despite the emotional hurricane that lived deep inside my soul...my self-esteem remained intact.  In fact, it flourished. I was lucky to have two amazing parents.  They couldn't be married.  BUT they loved me.  And they made sure I knew it.  They never fought in my presence.  They never talked bad to me about the other.  They got along for my sake.  And that bred a sense of security I needed.... albeit, imperfect security....it was more than I could have ever hoped for, given the situation.

Needless to say, my self-image rocked.  It was solid.  I loved me.  I loved life.  I loved my sneakers and my wild&wispy hair (that won't hold a curl to save its life) that could barely be tamed by my daily-wearing of a pony-tail braid.  I loved the two freckles on the side of my neck that sit so close to each other, I would joke how I was once bitten by a vampire.  I also loved how the freckles on my nose only show up when kissed by the summer sun.  I loved dancing around the neighborhood in the summer rains in my bathing suit.  I loved the scars on my knees I got from continual wipe-outs on my bike.  I loved how each of my pinky-toes resemble an elbow macaroni.  I loved the color of my eyes and how they turn into half-moons when I smile. I loved my laugh.  And to wear pop-bead jewelry.  I loved my teddy-bear and blankie (my must-have-accessories for bed-time).  I loved playing tag and hop-scotch and hand games.  I loved jump-roping with my friends.  But most of all, I loved the pink sweater with heart-shaped buttons my Mama had knitted me.

That sweater was awesome.  It was warm.  Cozy.  And PINK.  It was the type of sweater you wore on sick days because it makes you feel better.  It was the type of sweater you wore on sad days because you felt it hug you.  It was the type of sweater you wore on happy days because you looked so. darn. awesome. in it.  It was that type of sweater.

At age 11, my Mama was re-married to another great man (the first, being my Daddy, of course).  And my life was uprooted.  New town.  New home.  New family (I instantly went from only-child, to the youngest of four).  And....a new school.

And here's the story that changed my life, ladies and gents....
I walked into my first day of 6th grade.
I was wearing that sweater.
And they made fun of me for it.

*proceed to swallow hard tears, here*

ouch.

I'm pretty sure, after that day, I questioned EVERYTHING about myself.  And started to see that not everyone loved me.  Not everyone thought I was as wonderful as I saw myself.  This lead to me thinking, well, if a majority of people believe that about me, it MUST be true, right?


That was my down-fall, people.  The dreaded peer-pressure-pre-hormonal-mean-girl-pitfall into self-image destruction.  To. this. day. I pick myself apart.  Trying to "live up" to the invisible and non-existent standards of American society.  Trying desperately to fit-in and be accepted.

BUT
here's what else I've been pondering (besides the origin of my tainted self-image):
How do I fix it??
How in the world do I get back to that place in my life; the time period before I walked into my that 6th grade class?
How do I love myself again?

I found this book at a discount store last summer for $2.99:

The target audience is junior high and high school girls.  But the truths found within are timeless.

I also own (and read a LONG time ago) this book:

In a few following and subsequent posts {I guess you could call it a "blog-series"...but that sounds intimidating to me! ha!} I have decided to share with you the meditations of my heart that have flowed from the combination of these books.  God is showing me great and amazing truths about Himself.  Things such as (but not limited to):

• "...our hearts on the inside determines how we look on the outside."
• when we understand what God sees as beautiful, it affects our thought-life, which then affects how we view our world, including our own worth/self-image
• we should not live according the standards of our society, but to the standards of God's Word
• playing the "compare-game" is extremely dangerous and damaging
• God loved me enough to send His Son to die for my sins...I have redemption through His blood...I potentially can commit blasphemy by not loving myself just as much!  {what am I saying to others about the God I serve, when I hate what He's created and died for?!}

I really hope you come back for visit here in the next few days.  I've learned much {and I'm still learning}.  Maybe you can relate?  Or maybe you have some advice?  Words of wisdom?  Maybe this wound is still all too raw?  Whatever the case, I welcome you!  

I'll leave you with this:

If you are a daughter of the King, you are a girl of surpassing beauty...no matter what the story books say!


79° Partly Sunny Partly Cloudy.  But GORGEOUS out, nonetheless!