someday soon my heart will finally settle down

Mike has been sending out lots of resumes recently.  He will graduate in May 2013.  (HOORAY!) And because we are in a year-long internship, we will stay here in Rochester through July 2013.

My mind constantly races.  Meaning?  I never stop thinking.  My brain is like a hamster in a eternal exercise wheel.  So whenever I'm doing anything, my mind is analyzing my life.  If I'm doing dishes, I'm thinking.  If I'm driving, thinking.  Making the beds, thinking.  Folding laundry, thinking.  Eating.  Reading.  Crafting.  Thinking. Thinking. Thinking.

Do I get tired?  Yes.  Always.  But I'm used to it.  And I'm grateful that God has given me this mind and gives me the knowledge and ideas to fill it with.  I really do think of it as a gift.  But it does get tiring.  There are days, to be honest, I'd like to turn it off.  But then, I decide that's not for the best...because, knowing my luck, that would be when the best idea of ALL TIME would hit me...and I wouldn't even know it.

But a particular thought came to mind today as I was sewing a baby gift for a baby shower I'm attending on Saturday...

I am finally going to know what it feels like to be "settled".

Mike and I have not stayed in the same place for very long through out our 7-1/2 years of marriage.  And don't get me wrong, I have adored, cherished, and LOVED this adventure we are living.  We are filling our memory banks to the BRIM with lots of happy-goodness.  We have met so many WONDERFUL and  AMAZING friends (aka. family) each place we have lived. Experienced so much local flavor.  And we have had the chance to eat at some pretty phenominal restautrants (I think it's safe to consider ourselves restaurant foodies)....and not chain-restaurants..."diamonds in the rough" restaurants...the ones you only know about through word-of-mouth...or find by accident.  

At the same time, I am enchanted by the lives of those who are "settled".  Isn't that funny?  We all want whats on the "other side of the fence"!  Moving around has made this life lonely.  And I know being "settled" isn't a cure for loneliness...but it will be one less time where I have to "start over" in the friend department.  I love making new friends!!!  TOTALLY!!  But it's emotionally taxing.  (Will she like me?  Does she think I'm weird?  Well...I am...but have I shown her "too much" weird-ness up front?  How much is too much?  Did I say the wrong thing?  Did I say too much?  I need to stop talking! Why can't I ever stop talking???! I really hope she wants to be my friend...)

I also want to have town/city that "belongs" to me.  Where I know how to navigate the back-roads around town.  Where I know my mail-man.  Learn my neighbors names.  Have a church home.  Invest my life.  Make a difference right where I am.  Live fully.  Plant flowers.  And roots.

I'm excited to call somePLACE my home.

I don't expect life to get "better"...because I think my life is "better" right now.  So don't mis-interpert what I'm trying to say.    It will just be a different kind of "nice".

What I'm trying to say is this:

It will just be nice to have my heart stay-put for a few years.

my {heart} day

I bet you are wondering how I spent my valentine's day.
I'm sure of it. *cough, cough*

The day before the big "V" day...I took a quick trip to the dollar store (because I'm not all that big into just throwing my money away to large corporations because they "say" I should...but I am really big into showing my family just how much I love them...and those two things don't have to go hand in hand.  It doesn't have to cost a lot to mean a lot.) I wanted to fill my day to the brim with actions of love and kindness!

So I bought a few small and sweet things for my kiddos (a *small* box of chocolate and a v-day balloon). I bought 3 red candles, some heart-garland to wrap around them, and a few conversation candy hearts in order to create a simple center-piece for our kitchen table. And I bought Mike a bag of chocolates, that I put inside a v-day vase, and had a "balloon-on-a-stick" stuck into the center of the candy vase.  When I got home, I placed Mike's treats on his work desk for him to find in the morning.

I got up early on Valentine's morning.  I set out the kids' treats and my center-piece.  And I got to work on breakfast.  Homemade pancakes with fresh strawberry puree.  I then cut hearts out of my pancakes just like this idea I found on the internet (I google everything....it's yet another sickness I have):

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Super cute...huh??

I lit the candles and brewed up some coffee as my children slowly woke from their dreams.  My daughter and I delivered Mike his coffee in bed (and she brought him a few candies on her own accord...I just LOVE her empathetic, sincere, thoughtful and loving heart.)

And we all enjoyed a nice breakfast as a family...complete with strawberry milk, of course.

I made sure to cut hearts out of cheese for lunch and made a few chocolate covered strawberries.

Not too much of a fancy day...but enough to make my family feel special.  (And enough hugs, cuddles, kisses, and snuggles all day long...to get the message across loud and clear.)

Later that night, Mike and I went out to dinner and coffee.  And what I love is: our friends.  Friends that are willing to "swap" with us.  Meaning?  They watch our kids so we can sneak out on a date on one night.  And the next night, we watch their sweet little 15-month-old man so they can sneak out for their date.  Perfection.  Not only do our kids have fun with each other AND we all get a night out to reconnect with our significant others...BUT we are helping each other protect our marriages.  Because it's SO IMPORTANT to make date nights a priority...regardless of the occasion! (And it didn't cost either us a red-cent for a baby-sitter!  Score!)

What a great day.  It was not only lots of fun and filled with endless sweetness, it reminded me how beyond blessed I am in this life:

• with a loving husband
• wonderful & happy children
• great friends
• a good God

What more does one need??  Except maybe a good cup of coffee...

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....I'm on that.

Happy Sunday, everyone!

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different and better

We celebrated the Lord's Supper this past Wednesday.  It was different than "normal".  And it was better.  A lot better. Because this time we celebrated it with just our community group.  It was the first time (and a first for most) to celebrate it in a private and intimate setting.  I am used to corporate participation - with our entire church.

It's interesting how "tradition" can quickly become the "only" method - even if that's not the only way God allows it to happen.

I never paid attention to what the early church described in the book of Acts did: they broke bread (aka. the Lord's table) in each other's HOMES.

And they devoted themselves to the apostles teaching and the fellowship to the breaking of bread and the prayers and awe came upon every soul, and many wonders and signs were being down through the apostles.  And all who believed were woven together and had all things in common.  And they were selling their possessions and belongings and distributing the proceeds to all, as any had need.  And day by day, attending the temple together and breaking bread in their homes, they received their food with glad and generous hearts...  Acts 2:42-46 

Celebrating the Lord's table so intimately with my community group was strange, different and completely out of my comfort zone...

i loved it.

Especially when we passed around the bread and physically broke our own piece off of the loaf.  Such deep symbolism transformed into hard reality...in my hands.  It brought me to tears.  Hot, burning, grateful tears.  It was such a powerful image of Christ's sacrifice...for ME...for my sin.

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Keep an open mind.
Keep learning.
Grow.
And be blessed.

potty training: what i did wrong...and finally got right

She did it!
She's potty trained!
I have been waiting for this moment with bated breath!

I introduced the idea to Annaleigh when she was a few months past her 2nd birthday.  To be honest...I thought she was ready.  I read books.  I read blogs.  I read websites.  I talked to Mamas who have been through this stage of life with their own littles.  And all the signs seemed to point to her readiness.  And to top it off...she would cry whenever I put a diaper on her.  She hated them.

But what should have been a sign to me that she was no where near ready...was the fact that she would cry for me to put her diaper back on.

What a paradox...huh?  She apparently wanted her cake and eat it too.  Don't we all?

So I figured she would just have to get used to the idea of "underwear".  {Ring the 'wrong answer' game-show buzzer right about now.}

Needless to say...after a few weeks of misery...we both failed.  (And trust me...I tried ALL the tricks...tips..and suggestions out there.  ALL.)

I threw up the white flag and threw a diaper back on her.  {deep sigh of defeat}

But I was determined to potty train her.  I mean...everyone else's kids where potty training...and my kid was just as "good" as theirs...so Annaleigh should hop on that bandwagon too!

After another valiant attempt a few months later...more failure.

And that's where I was failing when it came to potty training my daughter.  I was the one who was ready.  I was feeling "mommy-peer-pressure".  I looked around and felt like an inferior mother compared to the rest.

Comparison.  It's evil.

I thought she'd never learn to use the potty.  {I mean...of course I knew she WOULD...but after failing twice...it felt that way!}

Then I moved to Rochester.  And met my internship mentor.  She has 5 kids (ages 4-18).  I think it's safe to assume she knows what she's doing when it comes to this topic.  And she does.  A lot.

She gave me the greatest advice:  wait until after her 3rd birthday.  She'll be older...she'll understand...and that will make it easier for her. {Notice it would be better for HER...NOT neccesarily me.}

My "peer-pressured-mommy-brain" couldn't fathom that thought.

But what did I have to loose?  A little pride?  I had already lost that twice.  So there's wasn't much left.  And I was desperate.

So I did.

I waited about 2 months after her third birthday.  I did one last google search.  And I typed in something like: potty training a child who likes to be in control.  Because I figured out that this potty training thing was more about a battle of the wills than about pottying.

My new plan was this:

I'd put her in underwear at age 3.

I'd set a timer.

When the timer went off...the timer was telling her to go to the potty...

not me. 

And then I'd let her go...

...by herself.

That's right.

I was willing to accept the gross potty Apocalypse that could potentially occur in my clean bathroom.

I wanted to see what would happen if I didn't HOVER over her.  Or PESTER her with questions like "do you have to go potty?  do you have to go potty?  Annaleigh...do you have to go potty???"

{Disclaimer:  Since I had already been through this "process" with her twice before...she knew "how" to do it.  She knew the "method": walking into the bathroom...sitting on the potty...trying to "go"...using TP to wipe...getting off when done.}

The only thing she wasn't sure about was pulling her underwear up and down.  But I had some faith that she *might* be able to figure that out.  Hopefully.

But like I said...I wanted to see what would happen.  I was willing to accept that the learning process is messy and confusing until....you learn.

And it worked!

She loved having the power over her own body.  And by the end of that week...we no longer needed the timer.  And by the end of the next week...I RARELY had to remind her to go.  We have had barely any accidents. And we both got away emotionally unscathed.

And now?  It's like the kid never wore a diaper in her life.  Unbelievable.

Sally Clarkson said this in the book she co-authored:

"Clay and I found that the more we walked with God,  the more we felt called to live our own puzzle according to the integrity of the...parents God had made us, within the limitations of our own personalities...I see so many young women today who live by fear - fear of what others will think, fear of how they might ruin their children, fear of the expectations of other people...I also see women who are afraid to be themselves...It is vitally important for women to learn how to think...for themselves instead of being enslaved to other people's thoughts and opinions.

Do you think that with such diverse families, as each of us is bound to have, that one single formula could possibly [work]?" (emphasis mine)

The answer to that rhetorical question is NO.

What I'm trying to say is this:

1. Don't compare yourself to other Mommys.  
2. Every kid is different.
3. Do whatever works for your family.

It takes a lot of the pressure off of us Mommys when we approach ANYTHING in our attempt to child-rear our kids this way.

So go grab yourself some iced tea and relax.  You are a good Mommy.  And you're the only Mommy they've ever known.  God gave them YOU for a reason.  So no matter what you do "well" or "not-so-well"...all you do is the "right" thing to them.

So get out there and proudly rock your individual "Mommy-ness" today!
Your kids deserve nothing less.

snowmen are the winter's sandcastle & other blizzard blessings

My little family and I live in upstate NY.  So "Nor'easter Nemo" paid us a lovely visit.

We ended up with around 16 inches of snow.

It started flurry-ing Thursday night.  And really picked up late Friday morning.  It fell fast.

While it was still snowing, we decided to take advantage of all the fun we could have before it got too deep to move.  So we bundled the kids up {which takes longer than the actual time you spend outside...but it's really so worth it} and headed into the big white world.

We had fun throwing snowballs and building a snowman {Annaleigh & JD's first!}.  Laughing.  Sweating and getting cold, at the same time.  JD constantly face planting into the drifts of snow....then crying...followed by giddy giggles.  Teaching Annaleigh the joy of eating fresh snow.  Being. a. family.  Being happy.  Feeling blessed.

It was wonderful.

To see a bunch of breathtaking pictures...

...head on over here.

money raised. money given. lives changed.

Do you remember this post I wrote prior to Christmas?

Well here is the result.  I'd say God used the people of Northridge to reclaim Christmas for the city of Rochester and beyond.  Don't you?

Advent Conspiracy Giveaway from Northridge Media on Vimeo.

All the praise. All the glory.  All the honor.  Belongs to God.

I am grateful to be a part of this body of believers.  Even if only for one year.  #unbelievable #OnlyGod

This is where the rubber meets the road.  This is REAL Biblical and God-honoring Christianity put into action!  The people of God working TOGETHER to make a POSITIVE difference in our communities and around the world.

This internship has been AMAZING....to say the very least.

hey michelle, your sanctification is calling...

I really don't like using the phone.  And when I say this, I'm not referring to all the fun features on my iPhone.  (I love those.)  What I don't like is to use the phone as it was origninally intended.

I've always been this way.

I can remember a day during my high school years when my family had decided to order pizza for dinner one night.  And somehow I got nominated to make the call.  To this day, I think it was a consipiracy to challenge my phobia and get a good rise out of me.  All in good fun, no? But at the time, I kicked, thrashed and protested until I was in tears.  It felt like torture.  The anxiety rose full force and nearly stopped my heart.  In fact, the sensation was so powerful, I can feel it now as I type. Panic attacks are no fun, I tell ya.

I never ended up calling.

Instead, I escaped to my room in a full-sprint frenzy claiming some form of child-abuse.

Needless to say, it's one of my greatest weakness.  Unexplainably weird.  And still ever a strong-hold in my life.  Some people are afraid of heights, small spaces or the like.  I am afraid of talking on the phone.  It produces all sorts of anxiety in me.  And if you are a friend of mine, you'll notice I hardly ever call you.  And if you're a really good friend of mine, you (thankfully & I love you for this) don't care.

I'd rather talk to your face than talk to your voice.

Being on intership has fully challenged this phobia of mine. And for good reason.  The phone is useful tool to get a hold of someone for a variety of reasons...good reasons.  (Who knew?)

I'm continually having to call people all week long.  Asking how their week has been, checking who has needs, informing someone about our community group, scheduling dinner-dates at our home, etc...

And EVERY time I have to make a call, my stomach churns with anxiety.

I'm confident I'll never get over my phobia (it seems that my last job as an accounts receiveable clerk should have more than adequately provided healthy recovery - calling over 30 people per day...for 2 years...pretty much the definition of the sumbersion theory, no?).  But I'm praying instead that God will grant me the strength to forge ahead.  To see this as an opportunity to give Him all the glory.   To be sanctified.  To become a decent pastor's wife someday.

Whenever I need to make a call, and after my stomach settles a bit, I take a deep breath, dial and remind myself I'm dead to sin and alive to righteousness.

It's not easy.  But necessary.  And if that's my cross, I'll glady bear it for the sake of the gospel.

Just know I'll never be the one to volunteer to call the pizza guy.

(Disclaimer:  

Just so it's clear, it makes no difference who I am calling.  

From a best friend to the customer service lady at Walmart.  

My phobia is no respecter of persons.  

So don't think I don't like to use the phone 

because you assume I don't like who is on the other end!  

I just don't like to talk on the phone.  

It ends there.  

Simple as that.  

Weird? Absolutely. 

Ridiculous? You bet.  

You think I need to grow up?  Me too. )

what does mike actually do?

A lot of people have asked me this question.

"So...you're on internship.  But what does Mike actually do?"

Being an intern at a church is similar to a secular internship.  In that, you are getting real-life experience as you put into practical application all the things you learned in books.

Mike, God-willing, will be graduating with a Masters Degree in Theology (more specifically, a Masters of Divinity...affectionately called an M.Div) in May 2013.  However, this Masters program is not much like a "normal" Master's program.  Let me put it this way, Mike's work load over the past 4+ years has been the equivilant to that of a Doctorate (Ph.D) program.  90+ hours of course work  + a 1 year internship = long time to be in seminary.

(Mike has a God-given desire to be a pastor someday.  Specifically, God has burdened our hearts to be church planters.)

Now that he has completed his course work, he is in the thick of our internship.  He is currently an intern at Northridge Church in Rochester, NY.

And because we live on the top floor of the church offices (which are in a church-owned house located on the church property), his office is just downstairs on the first floor.

A typical day of work for him starts at 8:00 am.  He will take a lunch break around noon...this means he travels a long commute (consisting of climbing up 2 flights of stairs) just to eat lunch with us, his little family!  (I, personally, love this!  Obviously!) That happens everyday, except Wednesdays, which are a day full of staff meetings.  Around 2:30 pm, he will suffer the grueling commute again, just to grab a fresh cup of coffee from our kitchen. (Again, love!) He will commute home from work, one last time, around 5 pm.  He does this 6 days/week.

But what does he actually DO?

Some of these things he is currently working on, or will be in the future:

• Co-leading a community group in the church (which requires weekly follow-up, prayer and a generating of ideas and topics of which to discuss with our community group concerning everyone's personal walk with God).
• Co-leading a class called "Life Change" (a 10 week class, which requires weekly follow-up, prayer and preparation for each class).
• Helping as a leader in a class called "Starting Point".
• Helping his internship coach with anything that is needful in the moment.
• Producing, filming and editing the DVDS which are used during the church-wide community group meetings (that occur at various times throughout the week).
• Producing, filming and editing videos to be used during church services (when viewing the sermon, go to the video time of 19:24 to see the video he made specifically for that sermon). 
• Several speaking opportunities (where he would preach/teach to a group of people on a Biblical topic...which includes much preparation).
• He lead the month of October's "Vertical Worship" (aka. the Lord's Supper).
• And the biggest project he has...the one that has taken the biggest chunk of time and effort during this internship is planning, praying, brainstorming, producing/editing videos, delegating, creating the website, administrating, being in charge of, etc. for Northridge's 16:5 Conference in February. 
• Preaching during the month of February for the Youth for Christ Hockey League (and I'll be helping to teach the beginners how-to-skate...bet you didn't know I was a competitive figure skater for 9 years, huh?...but that's a story for another day...)

Plus more, I'm sure!  There are things he does that I'm not aware of...but this I know:
He works so hard, everyday!
And I'm extremely PROUD of him and all he has accomplished already!
He's one smart cookie.
God has blessed him and our little family ABUNDANTLY.
There is no greater JOY than to be in the middle of God's will for your life!
We are living proof!

half-way there

5 months down.
5 months to go....until graduation.

It's hard to believe that Mike and I are half-way through this adventure called: internship.

As I look out our kitchen window, I suddenly recognize a familiar feeling I had forgotten and never imagined I feel again so soon.  The feeling of home.  The feeling of belonging.

And then the thought crept into my mind, as if a robber to steal this most recent and precious possession: our time here is temporary.  Then I remembered another feeling.  One that seems to have just healed...and begins to tear at my heart a little.  The feeling of change.  And the realization, we will move again.  I will pack up our things and our family again.  I will have to say goodbye to those I love again.  We will have to drive away, and not return....again.

The mystery of these feelings baffles me.  I can't make them out.  Creating a difficulty, within my mind, to understand.

Wasn't this the place of brokenness as I learned to trust my Savior more?  Wasn't this the place of tears and loneliness?  And now I crave to stay?  To remain?  To always cook scrambled eggs on this stove for those sweet babies of mine?

As I sit and type, I can honestly say this internship experience cannot be clearly and concisely explained.  I have learned so much, been through so much, felt so much. That's one reason why I have not written about it much.  It's exists in such a pure and raw form inside my head.  It rolls around and around, desperately wanting to come out, but just doesn't know how...yet.

But what I do know is this:

God loves me.

I trust Him.

So right now.  That's enough for me.

And yet....isn't that always enough?

the view from my window: the church parking lot in the early morning

the advent conspiracy

This year, our little family plans to take back Christmas.

How about you?

Click here to learn more.

Thank you Northridge Church, for being Biblical, authentic, practical, and relevant.

It makes all the difference in the world....literally.

you're broken. He bought you.

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I participate in a weekly, non-denominational, community Bible study. We are currently working through the book of Mark.  And I LOVE it.  It has been such a source of teaching, support and comfort.  I don't remember the last time I've learned so much about God.  Deep things.  Passionate things.  Things that feed my innermost soul.

One question a few weeks ago was,

How are the disciples described in Mark's record?

Then it was followed by supporting verses to look through so we could find the answer.  It asked us to read Mark 7:14-18; 9:30-32; 10:35-39; 14:50, 66-72.

After examining those verses, my personal conclusion was this:

The disciples were colorfully described as

without understanding

afraid to question Jesus

prideful

disloyal

scared

deniers of Jesus

liars

those who cursed and swore

weak

selfish

etc, etc, etc...

The question that followed was,

What does this tell you about those who follow Jesus?

In light of recent circumstances in my life, this was like God stepped out of heaven, put His sovereignty and ruling of the universe on hold for but a moment...simply to come to me and wrap His arms around me and hold me.

I have realized that Jesus isn't looking for me to "have it all together" in order to serve Him.  In fact, the opposite is true.  The more BROKEN I am, the more I recognize HIS POWER in my life, and therefore the BETTER He can use me.  What did I just say? I need to be broken?  Not perfect?  Or plastic? Whoa.  I sound like someone who is learning she is covered in God's grace.

Jesus is looking for those who are true, committed followers.
Not perfect.
Not those who "act" like Christians.
Not those who "do" Christianity.

Just true.
Completely committed.
Willing to follow Him anywhere.

The disciples were really a motley crew.  They were a mixed group of extremes (from a zealot to a tax collector).  They weren't even scholars.  But they were CHOSEN to follow.  And they did.

It is the call of Jesus, not anything they hold in common, which makes them...and us, capable of being part of His company.

Rest in that truth.  Bathe in it.  And don't let your brokenness hold you back from following the One who chose you.

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.  Psalm 51:17

better than my wildest dreams

Elisabeth Elliot once said, concerning the content of Amy Carmichael's letters,

While she never meant to make her lot look like a hard one (wouldn't that make it appear that she had a hard Master?), she did mean to be a realist wherever realism was not inimical to her purposes.

This has meant to be the purpose of my blog.  However, I think I ended up focusing too much on being a "realist" and not enough time considering how that would be "inimical" to my goal.

You see, I so desperately wanted the world to know how difficult it can be, at times, to be....ME.  To really SEE into the days of my life.  So you can understand what goes on behind this side of my screen.  To see that I am "normal".  I struggle.  I fall and stumble and make a complete mess of my life.  That to be a God-fearing, God-loving Christian doesn't mean to be perfect.

Throughout my life, people have assumed this.  They have assumed I think I'm "Little Miss Perfect".  That I have it all together.  And that my life has turned into sweet smelling roses.  That my life has afforded me opportunities and that I'm blessed beyond measure.  So that it becomes something you all should be jealous about.  But that is not me.  But it also is me.  I am not perfect.  Yet I have been incredibly and supernaturally blessed!

With all that in mind, I have made it my personal goal to discredit such thought. To show you all TRUTH.  But as a result, I have overcompensated.  I hyper-focused on the negative.  And now?

I'm pretty sure I've made everyone believe that my life isn't just "difficult" but that I "hate" it.   I also think there are some people who believe that I have given up my own dreams to live this life.

But I don't. And I didn't.  I don't hate this!  I don't hate my life!

Much to your surprise, I love everything about this little life of mine!!

All this to say:

I'm sorry.

to my family

my friends

to you, my dear reader.

I'm sorry to have painted a picture of negativity.

I'm sorry to have portrayed my God as harsh and mean.

I'm sorry I failed to emphasis the joy of this life I live!

I'm sorry that this optimist has portrayed deep pessimism.

I want to tell truth.

But I want it to be a positive truthful truth.

Not a "Debbie Downer" truth.

And yet, I struggle with a HUGE distaste for the fake and the plastic.

I don't want to be so overly sweet, I disgust you.

I want to be happily real.

My goal for this blog, from now on, is BALANCE.  As best as God will allow.  

"I don't think I have to tell the whole story to tell a true story..."

I have learned that to be completely open and transparent, without regard to the potential consequences, is irresponsible.  It can hurt people.  And I have. And I'm calling it what it is: sin.  Not that telling truth is sin, but willingly disregarding the consequences of that truth.

I am learning to fill my entire life with an overabundance of discernment.  To know what to say, when to say it, with Godly wisdom and great discretion.

Let me leave you with this:

Did I ever really dream of this life?

No.

But I am beyond THANKFUL and JOYFUL to a sovereign God who dreamed it up for me.

It wasn't in my wildest dreams...

...it's way better.

i'm here. but i'm not who i was.

So I haven't written in quite some time.
I have a good reason.
I promise.

First, you may notice I have a new domain name.  That's because I needed to switch my blogger account to my most current email address.  So for future reference, you can find this here blog here: www.enjoymyharvest.blogspot.com

Mark it down.
Remember it.
Make it your new old favorite.

And now on to my good reason...
Have you ever had a moment in your life that changed it?  Like, completely?  So much so that it made you a totally different person?

Well, I did.
And it changed me for the good.
But it's still change.
And change, I'm slowly realizing, is hard.
And it's painful.
But, at the same time, ironically, it's so so so good.

So what does that mean for my blog?
It means things will change here, too.

Not too much.
But enough to make a difference.
To be as honest as I can, I'm not too sure how to relate to my own life anymore.
I feel perplexed.
As if the usual, orderly and laid out ideas in my head have been scrambled.
I don't know how to share my life in a transparent and truthful way that is, also, completely filled with careful discernment.
I feel stuck.
And so I've hesitated to write.

I stumbled across this awesome blog.  And in one of her posts, she seems to explain it best:

"I don't think I have to tell the whole story to tell a true story..."

Let me leave you with this,

I have been recently humbled.
And God has been better than ever.
And my goal is to share snippets.  Not complete thoughts.  I have none of those left.  But I think I can muster up snippets.

And I can't wait to tell you about them.

please remain seated until the worry-rocking-chair-ride comes to a complete stop

A random sampling of pictures of our new apartment in Rochester, NY.

Purging.
Packing.
Having a cup of coffee.
Procrastinating.
More packing.

And then?  We took a trip to go visit Northridge Church this weekend!

We had the chance to check out the apartment we'll be living in for the next year.

It shocks me how, we as the children of God, worry.  Everyday.  Over many things.

God reminds us again and again, not to.  He's got it covered.  He's in control.  He knows what's best.  He will protect you and your heart better than you ever could.  He will provide.  So relax.

Someday I may learn that lesson.

But until then, here's a few things I was worried about:

• no storage for {alllll} my stuff
• one bedroom only
• no place for the kiddos to sleep {aka. no privacy}
• no kitchen counters
• lack of general living space
• miserable trip to the 3rd floor in the winter with two kiddos in tow
• loneliness (!!!!)
• difficult transition for Annaleigh
• no place to craft and create

Without boring you with all the details, lets just say, 

GOD TOOK CARE OF IT ALL.

I'm so thankful for the 3-1/2 hour drive to go visit the place of our future.  I'm so thankful for a husband who knows who he married, planned out the whole trip, without me asking for such an opportunity...just for the sake of easing my heart.  And I'm so thankful to my LORD who hears and answers the secret cries of my heart.

Go ahead.  Say it.  You told me so....

And I'm so glad you did.

Here's hoping I listen next time and that I quit my worrying-habit.

During our visit, we met the first kitten that hasn't run in fear from Annaleigh.
In. Her. Glory.

Visiting during an a-typical Sunday morning at Northridge Church.
Can't wait to be back!

mere ponderings

Internship is fast approaching.

The weeks seem to speed right by.

And I have yet to dig-in to packing up my house.

Empty boxes to the left and right of me.

A few that are full sit in the front hallway.

I have an attic scattered with trash and a basement consumed with stuff.

Babies are asleep in their beds making sounds of awakening.

I can hear the stir of their bodies against their sheets.

Major anticipation in my heart gives rise to excitement.

What will such an adventure hold?

New places, new people, and new lessons to explore.

God is ever blessing.

                          ever constant.

                                     ever sure.

Humbled-joy is what I feel.

To be allowed this life.

where is my home?

via

oh. boy.
Can I just tell you how many emotions I felt over this past weekend??
No?
Well, sorry, but this my blog and I'm gonna tell you anyway.

We just came back from a super short trip to Massachusetts this weekend, but a super great one.

Here's a little back story for you:
When we lived in MA, Mike was a teacher and a coach for a Christian high school.  He's a pretty amazing guy,  who knows how to love people and make them feel special.  That's what makes him so darn special.  And it's not a show.  He's sincere.  He down-right l.o.v.e.s. the kids he taught/coached (note:  I said "loves"...it's never stopped for them since the first day).  He wants the best for these kids (I say "kids"...they are all either about to go into college/real life, in college/real life, or have graduated college) and that's not ever stopped either.

So one of those "kids" was graduating from high school this past Saturday.  We were invited.  And we couldn't say no.  This amazing young man, named Eric, was worth this super short trip.  And it makes sense that his family is amazing and super worth it.  They are as close to family as you could get.

This celebration allowed us the opportunity to see people (whom we love DEARLY) we hadn't seen in, literally, y-e-a-r-s.  And holy cow.  I forgot how much they mean to me.  Isn't that bad?  Here we left MA four years ago, and it was because of those relationships, me mourning that temporary loss, that I entered a non-clinical depression for the first year.  I cried for months.  And now that my life here is smooth sailing and working like a well-oiled machine...and now that I have great people that surround me....and now that I'm in the swing of things down here in NEPA....I forgot.   My MA "family" means the world to me.  They understand that I'm just a (very) weird individual... and they embrace that...fully.  In fact, they crave it....and they tell me they miss it.  And it makes me feel so....at home.

Home is in MA.
But home is also in PA.
Which give me confidence that someday, NY will start to feel like home, too.

Thank you, Lord, for this trip.  Short and sweet.  And wonderfully wonderful.

There's no place like home.
And I love that.

connections. they make it hard. and yet so easy.

So much to say.

So much has happened!

(I think.)

I've been busy being a wife and mom.  And can I tell you, that as soon as I forced myself to make my husband, kids, and home a priority, my attitude has significantly improved!  It's amazing.  When you take Titus 2:3-5 as seriously as you should (or the rest of God's word for that matter) and start putting it into practical practice...your life works.  huh.  who knew?

But here's the latest and greatest...

The first Thursday night in May, the seminary had it's annual banquet.  This year's theme was "Connections".  Meaning:  BBS is a place where you make those connections (with profs and friends) that will last and stand the test of time.  These people will be there whenever you need them most, for whatever the reason.  Those connections that will help make life easier when full-time ministry makes life hard. 

The interns that will be "going out"
 were asked to share the location of our placement
and a prayer request for the year.

Dr. Mappes was the key-note speaker that night.  And that's basically what he spoke on.  I couldn't agree more.  I could **easily** make you a list, super-fast, of all my super-amazing friends/mentors I have from this place.  And hence, the reason behind why leaving is going to be so. darn. hard.

Thomas & Ruth
Fellow 2012-2013 interns.
Our neighbors.
Our dear friends.
Like family.

The next night (Friday) we had our annual "Intern Wives Celebration" (formally known as the "SWF Tea").  My. absolute. favorite.  Do you know how much I love that night?  Well, I love that night.  Like a whole lot.  A lot.  It's a night I look forward to all year long.  It's right up there with date night.  no joke.  This night is pretty much the best.

All the intern wives of that current year, come on back to the area.  #1 for graduation.  But #2 for that night.  We all sit around, eating desserts and drinking iced-cold lime-slice-filled water, and listen to these girls (my friends) pour their hearts out.  They tell about their internships.  The good.  The bad.  The ugly.  And the tears...oh! the tears we all shed!  Tears of shared JOY.  And tears of shared heart-ache.  Tears of shear FEAR (well, for me anyway...seeing as Mike and I are heading out for our internship soon...***gulp***....help?)  Everyone's faith becomes a little stronger.  A little more sure.  A little more real.  You can actually see God working in your lives.  Right in front of you.  Before your very eyes.  You see the Master's hand painting, with precise and calculated brush-strokes, a masterpiece out of a life.  Theirs.  And yours.  And God is so REAL in that moment.  You have full confidence that if you reached out your hand, you could actually touch Him.  I'm not kidding.  Because the fire in your soul gets stirred.  And the flame burns hotter.  And you are reminded of your purpose.  You feel whole.  You feel loved.  And you want to go.  Run.  And drive hard and fast after God's glory.

That's what makes me love that night so much.  And those ladies.  They understand all that.  We feel it.  Together.  A common bond and passion to please God with our lives.  And not just to be satisfied with today.  But to grow greater.  Better.  For the cause of Christ.  The bond that is created in that room is like nothing I've ever known.  That yielding to God and welding of passion is what makes those 'connections' stand the test of time.

And one more of Ruth.
Why?
Because, honestly...
I love her.

I know God has sent BBS and all the good it has done in my life for a purpose.  And for a season.  But it doesn't make this "leaving" thing any easier.  Like I said....it's gonna be so. darn. hard.

My SWF small group: May 2011
(sadly, not all the ladies are represented in this pic)
{can I get a shout-out to group #3!  woot!  woot!}

79°
Thunderstorms predicted.
Warmth welcomed.
Sundresses anticipated.