the upper room: a guest post

My first guest blogger!  Well, not technically.  She doesn't have her own blog, but I have gotten numerous requests to have her share her personal story of infertility, here, on my blog.  It would be most appropriate to have it shared directly from the source.  So, I had asked her if she wouldn't mind taking the time to let us have a peek inside her heart.  A place where pain has grown into beauty.  And she said, "Yes."  

Thanks, Mom.  I love you.

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I have been asked to put my heart on paper to talk about one of the many journeys I have been honored to take with the Lord.   I say honored now, but then, it was one of the most painful times of my life.

What I am about to talk about seemed like it happened a lifetime ago.  Yet, my memories are like yesterday.  For a long time, I tried to get pregnant.  With many tests ending with major surgery and finding out through that surgery, that I only had one ovary and the other was engulfed with a cyst.  My having a child was minimal…not impossible, but minimal. The really good news was, after the surgery, I finally started to ovulate, giving me that chance.

Shortly after, I found out I was pregnant.  Only to have it end in miscarriage.   (I was about 23 years old.)  Time and time again, I would be pregnant only to lose. (I had lost about 15 babies.)  After being married for about 13 years, I again got pregnant and held my breath.  One month went by, two months, now three going into the fourth….the mucous plug held, I’m going to make it this time, I thought.

Then things started to happen.   I didn’t feel right.  I asked a girl at work, who was also pregnant, if I was suppose to have pain.  She told me sarcastically, “of course you’re going to have pain, all pregnant women have pains.”  I made it through the day and told my husband what was going on.   All I could do was pray.  

Then it happen, I started to have contractions and then bleed.   I cried all the way to the hospital and, upon arriving, was told my doctor was not on call and I would have someone else.  Praying, I asked the Lord to please send Dr. Jones.  About one-half hour later a nurse came in and told me, “you must be someone special, your doctor is here.”   After doing everything they could to stop the contractions, the doctor and my husband had a conversation.  One I could not participate in since I was drugged up and couldn’t speak.  Yet I was able to hear that the doctor wanted to abort the baby since the bleeding had not stopped and it was a matter of life or death. Trying to speak and screaming inside, I asked, is anyone going to ask me!?  

I woke to find the baby was gone.  

My heart broke into a million pieces.  At my next check up, I asked the doctor what the sex of the baby was. He said a little boy.  I named him Christopher Thomas.

Now the emotional pain starts……  A couple of weeks earlier a young lady at our church had a baby complete with baby showers, meals made and a lot of attention.   I just lost my little baby and not even a phone call, no hugs, nobody telling me it’s going to be okay.  I felt very alone, with my then-husband asleep in the living room, I sat and cried.   I was very sick, tired and hungry, but, nobody came.  Sitting in my kitchen, what seemed like hours, I finally called my best friend, who I had been estranged from for about three months and cried to her.  She said she had just sat down at the supper table and wanted to know if I had eaten.  I said no and, to my surprise, she showed up at my door, with her family and her meal to share it with us. 

On Sunday, I went to church, but again, no one said anything.   I could not understand how people can say they love you and not even give you a hug.  During my walk with Lord, I have seen this happen time and time again with women who have lost a baby by miscarriage.   A couple of  years ago a young lady I knew at my church lost a baby and I told someone that I was going to go give her hug…..she was aghast and told me…."no don’t do that."  I said, "why?"   She told me, "she is just hurting too much and you’ll bring back memories."  I just gave her one look and walked over to the young lady and hugged her, told her I loved her, that I knew her heart and that everything was going to be okay.  She cried and I cried with her.

After I lost the baby, I still went to church every time the doors were open, read my Bible, prayed, sang in the choir, worked in ministries, etc... But I was angry.  Angry with the Lord, the people around me and even my family.  We have been told that we are not to be angry with the Lord or ask Him why and to just accept life as it is because He is in control and, yes, I believe He is.   However, I have since learnt that, you can ask why and you can get angry.   How is He suppose to heal your angry spirit if you don’t tell Him?  We know that He already knows, but he wants to hear you say it.  Remember, if you are washed by the blood of the Lamb, you always have His unconditional love.

About a year passes and at this time my mom, my sister and my then-husband live with me.  In spite of their presence, I felt I was all alone.  On one particular night, they happened to be gone for the weekend and my husband was working all night.  Sitting in the living room, reading my Bible in the quiet, I told myself I needed to talk with the Lord.  I closed my Bible, got up, went into the dark bedroom, got on my knees and proceeded to tell Him how angry I was.  How could He dangle a carrot in front of my face and then take it away?  How could He not give me a child while others hurt and abuse them and throw them away?  How could He not see that I would be a good mother?  Out loud I said, “Lord, if you let me have a child I will raise him/her in You and I will teach them to serve You all the days of their life.  Just let me have a child until they are 21 and I will give him back to You.”  I cried and cried until there were no more tears. 

After being on my knees, for what seemed like a long time, suddenly, I felt a presence in the room.  I lifted my head from the side of bed and turned…there was no one there, but the room was filled with a glory I can’t explain. Then, I seemed to hear audibly, “Grace, I love you!”  I started to cry again.   I told the Lord, “I love you too!”  I told him, that if He didn’t want me to have children, it was okay and  I would serve Him all the days of my life and that nothing will separate me from Him.   Then a peace came over me like none  I have never known before.   It overwhelmed me and I enveloped it.  That night I lay my head down on my pillow knowing everything was going to be okay. I had given my sorrows over to the Lord.

That was on a Saturday night.   The next day walking into Church, the pastor looked at me and said "Something has happened."  I don’t remember telling him much, but I do remember smiling, not just on the outside, but on the inside.  Joy cometh in the morning.

Two weeks later, I felt different and then started to feel sick.  I even asked the Lord to take away whatever was making me sick.   Good thing He didn't because I was pregnant!  For some reason, this time, after 15 years, I knew it was going last. 

Although it was not an easy pregnancy (I was hospitalized and bedridden until my baby was to be born) I now see where the Lord took me and what His design was.  Not just for me, but for my little girl’s life.   Had she been born when I wanted her to (15 years prior), she never would have met my wonderful son-in-law.  At an early age, my son-in-law was called to be a pastor.  At the same time, God was preparing a very special person to be his wife.  And she "happened" to be born at just the right time.   And when I held her in my arms for the very first time, I felt that I had never waited at all. 

When you make a promise to the Lord, He helps you to keep it.  For my baby girl will soon be a pastor’s wife.  She will be serving the Lord all the days of her life.  

And I now can relate to how Mary felt when she pondered all these things in her heart.  

To God be the Glory.

--A painting I created after being inspired by my Mother's story.--
Please keep in mind, this painting is difficult for me to debut.
It is very personal and filled with deep emotion.
(I share it with you because it feels like the right time.)